There was just something about the first day of college that always got Cathy pumped up. Even thinking about it just made her stomach flitter. Although she was a loner by nature, that did not make her any less of a human- she still craved human interaction-and college was her drug. Somehow, she got what she needed from it, even though she shyly avoided all contact with the other students in the school.
SUNY Brockport was by no means a large campus, however, after attending a high school with a graduating class of less than two hundred, followed by a three building community college, Brockport seemed the size of a small city. In fact, even in her second year there, she had yet to set foot on probably more than half of the campus grounds. Hell, she even still got lost in the places that she had been before.
Because of her lack of knowledge concerning direction, Cathy found it incredibly helpful to show up on campus the day before classes started in order to map out the easiest routes concerning her schedule. There was almost nothing more embarrassing to her than showing up late to class because she had gotten lost.
This is what she was doing when she first noticed the girl. There was nothing about her that should have caught Cathy's eye, but she noticed her nonetheless. Really, nothing on the girl even stood out. She had chocolate brown skin and very short, natural jet black hair. Her skirt was made of denim and fell to her feet, resting on top of her clean, pure white sneakers. The skirt, being so plain and long, eliminated any feminine shape she may have had. Her shirt, unremarkable, was a plain short sleeve tee. Clearly visable were several brown bobby pins holding stray strands of hair away from the girl's face. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to why the pins were placed as they did not hold all of her hair back, thus making her hair look even more wild in its natural style.
There was just something so completely normal about the girl that it made her seem abnormal. Cathy decided that that is why she caught her eye. As she headed towards the computer building, she watched the girl sit down on a bench outside the door and begin to unpack her cute pink shoulder bag. Cathy went in to print out her schedule.
****
Later when she came out, Cathy noticed the girl still sitting at the bench. She noticed that the girl was leaning intensely over something on the table in front of her and then vigerously writing in a notebook in her lap. As Cathy walked by she noticed that the object on the table was a class catalog and assumed that the girl was making a semester schedule.
"Strange," Cathy thought. "It's a bit late to make a schedule."
She shrugged it off, thinking that really, there could be a million reasons someone would make a schedule at the last minute. People did it all the time. She had even seen new students come into a class a few days into the semester. She walked by and continued her mapping without another thought of the girl.
But the girl was to become a pivotal player in Cathy's life. Little did Cathy know that she had just met for the first time the most life changing person that she would ever meet during her college career.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My New Project
So sometimes when I get really bored in American Lit I work on my writing. I have been working on an idea for a story for a few weeks now, based on a girl who sits next to me in class. I started writing what I have deemed as "Her Story" about three weeks ago. I wrote it, I liked the character, I did not like to writing or the story. So I left it alone for awhile. Then a new idea began to formulate in my mind. I would use the same character in another story situation. As usual, today was a boring day in class (actually it wasn't too bad, but I just wan not into it), and I began to write her new story, only this time she is not the main character. What I ended up with is a chapter and a half of a story I am quite pleased with so far.
so here is what I am going to do. Periodically I am going to post her story on here, chapter by chapter. It gives me an outlet, and it also makes my writing available to the public. Whether or not it gets read is another question, but it will be here nonetheless. I will copy down what I already have for now, but from then on, each chapter will be written on here on the fly. No proof reading, no editing. When the story ends I will have a copy on here that I will take away with any comments (if there are any) or critiques, and I will consider it for revisions.
This is my first attempt at any story of length and I am very curious to see how it turns out. Any feedback is appreciated if you, dear reader, do read through it. Feel free to leave the comments on here, or contact me personally.
Looking forward to getting started, and keep an eye out for chapter one. It's already written, I just need to get my motivation up to type it out on here!
Peace.
so here is what I am going to do. Periodically I am going to post her story on here, chapter by chapter. It gives me an outlet, and it also makes my writing available to the public. Whether or not it gets read is another question, but it will be here nonetheless. I will copy down what I already have for now, but from then on, each chapter will be written on here on the fly. No proof reading, no editing. When the story ends I will have a copy on here that I will take away with any comments (if there are any) or critiques, and I will consider it for revisions.
This is my first attempt at any story of length and I am very curious to see how it turns out. Any feedback is appreciated if you, dear reader, do read through it. Feel free to leave the comments on here, or contact me personally.
Looking forward to getting started, and keep an eye out for chapter one. It's already written, I just need to get my motivation up to type it out on here!
Peace.
Monday, April 27, 2009
On Mating Rituals and A Bloody Dress
So I went to my first bar in north Carolina. That was probably the most interesting thing that happened to me there, so I figured that that is where I will start with all of what I have to say about the trip. As a side note, something I have noticed about myself...I need to write something right after it happens or else I lose the want to write it anymore. Like I really wanted to write about a whole bunch of things from N.C., but now it's so far away from when they happened or I thought if them that I don't want to anymore.
The rat cage smells. Or maybe it's the glider cage. Yuck. That's the only bad thing about opening windows...it stirs up smells. Plus the dog farted. Come on.
So anyways, the bar. Not to say that the concert was not interesting...I have a whole slew of things to write about that experience, but it was after all a concert. Most of what I observed can be observed through any person's eyes at any concert.
I did not want to go. I mean, I have been in places with bars, but never gone out to the bar...so I was nervous. Plus, it was just me and Francis's sister going. I was leaving the boys, my comfort zone, behind. I kept trying to get out of it, but halfheartedly because Lizzy can be very mean, and well, let's face it, I wanted to impress her. I have this weird thing. I actually don't know if it's weird at all...I think most people, especially women feel this way, but most will not admit it. I like Lizzy, but she is that girl who is very open about her opinions. If she does not like you, you know it. She is comfortable in her skin, in her posistion, in her life. For the msot part anyways. She reeks of self confidence. And I think all women are attracted to that...we all want to be that woman. Therefore we want women like that as friends. Maybe we hope that a little of that confidence will rub off on us? Maybe we just want to use their self confidence to our advantage in social situations. Whatever the reason, I can't explain it, I wanted her to like me. So I knew I had to go. Besides, she had a dress that would fit me perfect.
And boy did it. I looked great. I put the dress on and went out to show the boys. I acted like it was no big deal, but I knew I looked good. That's always the fun thing about being a girl, we get to be coy.
Anyways, when we were gtting ready to leave, I had done my make-up, my hair, and gotten dressed. I looked down and there was a weird spot on the dress. Naturally I freaked...I had no idea what it was, but it wasn't may dress, and I didn't want Lizzy mad at me! Long story short, I got my period, tried to use it to get out of going, but ended up in jeans and a cute top anyways, and we went.
We got to the first place at like ten thirty. We met up with a friend of hers. Apparently they do this every weekend. I can't imagine that. The place was dead. They were playing terrible old music. "She's a Brick House", songs by Prince, rap that I was into in middle school. When we first got there, we got drinks. I didn't know what to order because I don't like beer. I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender was joking about it with me, and I found that I had no idea how to respond. I felt so awkward! The bar scene is totally different from anything I have ever done before. As it is, I feel awkward in new situations and especially social situations, so this was a terrible combination of the two for me. We sat at a table outside for about an hour and a half before we left. It was boring, but I wanted to stay. I could deal with boring. No one talked or approached me, so I was okay with that. The next place we went, Lizzy told me it would be busy. That's when I got nervous.
As soon as we got there we went t the bar. Some weirdo started hitting on me. There was something off about his eyes. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't order anything and we walked away. We stood in one of the farther corners from the dance floor. This place was busy. There were people everywhere, and I was so nervous. I ended up going to a mini bar and getting a jack and coke...which was MUCH stronger than I usually take them, but it was eight dollars so I figured I HAD to drink it. Plus, I just felt the need to have something in my hand. You don't see many people without something in their hands, be it a drink or another person. It's a strange phenomenon about bars and clubs. Plus, I don't dance, so to stand still with nothing in my hands made me look just really strange. Then I started to watch people.
When someone Lizzy or Heather (the friend) was interested in walked by, their body language totally changed. They were not the only ones. The dancing got sexier, eye contact was made. Even just their postures when they stood were different. And I started seeing everyone doing this. It was like some strange mating ritual. But the guys never approached right away. They would make eye contact and then circle the girl that they were watching. Then they would stop and watch, but pretend not to watch. If they felt it was right, or if they were trying to decide if the girl was really into them and then decided yes, they would approach.
Now, I don't know if it's just me, but if I see a guy who is attractive, the best approach they can make to me is just to come up and start talking. But that obviously can't be done in a bar. I always thought pick up lines were a joke, but they seriously happen! From what I experienced though, not in the exact cheesy way we all know about. But seriously, a guy can't come up and say hi. For example, one guy came up and started yelling in our faces about why he DIDN'T want to talk to Heather...by doing this he was really explaining why he did want to talk to her...but the way he did it was so annoying that we did all we could to make him go away. If he had just started talking to her, maybe he would have gotten somewhere.
Another pulled a classic wingman move. He approached all of us alone, then separated me while his two friends came up and started talking to Lizzy and Heather. This was my guy for the night. No matter how many times I got rid of him, he kept coming back. Why? I mean, I understand that most people going to a bar are single looking for someone. Okay cool. But if a person is very obviously not interested, why hang around?
Another phenomenon that struck me was how cheap going to a bar is for a female. I understand the logic...get a girl drunk, and you could end up with her at home. However, men don't actually use this logic. We had a guy buying us drinks all night that we only saw once in awhile. I mean, he would show up, we would get him to buy us drinks, then he would leave. It was so easy! We didn't even have to pretend to be interested. Apparently too, he had been buying girls drinks all night. I wonder if it worked out for him.
All in all I had a really good time, especially once I started drinking and was able to loosen up. But it was all together a very strange experience for me. I couldn't do it every weekend, even fi I were single, that's for damn sure. It's too stressful! Plus, it took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I got home. Drinking makes me sleepy anyhow.
I would have had more to say (and I guess you are lucky I don't, since this is already like ten pages long), but now that it was so long ago...a whole three days, I just don't feel like writing more about it.
My thing is, I need to write something before I tell someone about it. Once I tell someone about something, it gets boring to type it all over again. I get the same feeling about my dream book. If I tell someone about my dream first, I don't want to write it. Weird. I need to stop. I'm tired and my fingers are getting stupid.
Night!
The rat cage smells. Or maybe it's the glider cage. Yuck. That's the only bad thing about opening windows...it stirs up smells. Plus the dog farted. Come on.
So anyways, the bar. Not to say that the concert was not interesting...I have a whole slew of things to write about that experience, but it was after all a concert. Most of what I observed can be observed through any person's eyes at any concert.
I did not want to go. I mean, I have been in places with bars, but never gone out to the bar...so I was nervous. Plus, it was just me and Francis's sister going. I was leaving the boys, my comfort zone, behind. I kept trying to get out of it, but halfheartedly because Lizzy can be very mean, and well, let's face it, I wanted to impress her. I have this weird thing. I actually don't know if it's weird at all...I think most people, especially women feel this way, but most will not admit it. I like Lizzy, but she is that girl who is very open about her opinions. If she does not like you, you know it. She is comfortable in her skin, in her posistion, in her life. For the msot part anyways. She reeks of self confidence. And I think all women are attracted to that...we all want to be that woman. Therefore we want women like that as friends. Maybe we hope that a little of that confidence will rub off on us? Maybe we just want to use their self confidence to our advantage in social situations. Whatever the reason, I can't explain it, I wanted her to like me. So I knew I had to go. Besides, she had a dress that would fit me perfect.
And boy did it. I looked great. I put the dress on and went out to show the boys. I acted like it was no big deal, but I knew I looked good. That's always the fun thing about being a girl, we get to be coy.
Anyways, when we were gtting ready to leave, I had done my make-up, my hair, and gotten dressed. I looked down and there was a weird spot on the dress. Naturally I freaked...I had no idea what it was, but it wasn't may dress, and I didn't want Lizzy mad at me! Long story short, I got my period, tried to use it to get out of going, but ended up in jeans and a cute top anyways, and we went.
We got to the first place at like ten thirty. We met up with a friend of hers. Apparently they do this every weekend. I can't imagine that. The place was dead. They were playing terrible old music. "She's a Brick House", songs by Prince, rap that I was into in middle school. When we first got there, we got drinks. I didn't know what to order because I don't like beer. I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender was joking about it with me, and I found that I had no idea how to respond. I felt so awkward! The bar scene is totally different from anything I have ever done before. As it is, I feel awkward in new situations and especially social situations, so this was a terrible combination of the two for me. We sat at a table outside for about an hour and a half before we left. It was boring, but I wanted to stay. I could deal with boring. No one talked or approached me, so I was okay with that. The next place we went, Lizzy told me it would be busy. That's when I got nervous.
As soon as we got there we went t the bar. Some weirdo started hitting on me. There was something off about his eyes. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't order anything and we walked away. We stood in one of the farther corners from the dance floor. This place was busy. There were people everywhere, and I was so nervous. I ended up going to a mini bar and getting a jack and coke...which was MUCH stronger than I usually take them, but it was eight dollars so I figured I HAD to drink it. Plus, I just felt the need to have something in my hand. You don't see many people without something in their hands, be it a drink or another person. It's a strange phenomenon about bars and clubs. Plus, I don't dance, so to stand still with nothing in my hands made me look just really strange. Then I started to watch people.
When someone Lizzy or Heather (the friend) was interested in walked by, their body language totally changed. They were not the only ones. The dancing got sexier, eye contact was made. Even just their postures when they stood were different. And I started seeing everyone doing this. It was like some strange mating ritual. But the guys never approached right away. They would make eye contact and then circle the girl that they were watching. Then they would stop and watch, but pretend not to watch. If they felt it was right, or if they were trying to decide if the girl was really into them and then decided yes, they would approach.
Now, I don't know if it's just me, but if I see a guy who is attractive, the best approach they can make to me is just to come up and start talking. But that obviously can't be done in a bar. I always thought pick up lines were a joke, but they seriously happen! From what I experienced though, not in the exact cheesy way we all know about. But seriously, a guy can't come up and say hi. For example, one guy came up and started yelling in our faces about why he DIDN'T want to talk to Heather...by doing this he was really explaining why he did want to talk to her...but the way he did it was so annoying that we did all we could to make him go away. If he had just started talking to her, maybe he would have gotten somewhere.
Another pulled a classic wingman move. He approached all of us alone, then separated me while his two friends came up and started talking to Lizzy and Heather. This was my guy for the night. No matter how many times I got rid of him, he kept coming back. Why? I mean, I understand that most people going to a bar are single looking for someone. Okay cool. But if a person is very obviously not interested, why hang around?
Another phenomenon that struck me was how cheap going to a bar is for a female. I understand the logic...get a girl drunk, and you could end up with her at home. However, men don't actually use this logic. We had a guy buying us drinks all night that we only saw once in awhile. I mean, he would show up, we would get him to buy us drinks, then he would leave. It was so easy! We didn't even have to pretend to be interested. Apparently too, he had been buying girls drinks all night. I wonder if it worked out for him.
All in all I had a really good time, especially once I started drinking and was able to loosen up. But it was all together a very strange experience for me. I couldn't do it every weekend, even fi I were single, that's for damn sure. It's too stressful! Plus, it took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I got home. Drinking makes me sleepy anyhow.
I would have had more to say (and I guess you are lucky I don't, since this is already like ten pages long), but now that it was so long ago...a whole three days, I just don't feel like writing more about it.
My thing is, I need to write something before I tell someone about it. Once I tell someone about something, it gets boring to type it all over again. I get the same feeling about my dream book. If I tell someone about my dream first, I don't want to write it. Weird. I need to stop. I'm tired and my fingers are getting stupid.
Night!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Too Much To Say...
Yeah so I missed four days like I thought I would. It's 2:29 am and I just now got at least pretty much settled in after our trip to N.C. It was a blast, and all trip long I have been thinking of thins to write about, but right now I just can't. I'm so tired.
I have so much to say that I think I even need to sleep on it to figure out how to lay it out so that it even makes sense. Maybe I will just cut most of it.
I planned on writing more because of my hedgehog went into pre-hibernation (as she does at least twice a week) and I needed to revive her (by sticking her in a heated blanket)...but she just hissed at me, so that's a good sign, and I think she is good now.
I can't believe how slow I am typing this. I need to go. This was a totally useless blog, but I just wanted to drop in an explain my totally unexcused absence. By the way, I just wanted to say that I think that people have no taste. My writing is damn good enough to get into a stupid college magazine. So screw you all you college pricks...on the other hand...I won an award for student teaching, so nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >:(
Night!
I have so much to say that I think I even need to sleep on it to figure out how to lay it out so that it even makes sense. Maybe I will just cut most of it.
I planned on writing more because of my hedgehog went into pre-hibernation (as she does at least twice a week) and I needed to revive her (by sticking her in a heated blanket)...but she just hissed at me, so that's a good sign, and I think she is good now.
I can't believe how slow I am typing this. I need to go. This was a totally useless blog, but I just wanted to drop in an explain my totally unexcused absence. By the way, I just wanted to say that I think that people have no taste. My writing is damn good enough to get into a stupid college magazine. So screw you all you college pricks...on the other hand...I won an award for student teaching, so nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >:(
Night!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So Sue Me...
Okay, this time I seriously missed a day. Oh well. I was mad at first, but really, this is not an assignment. If I can't do it, I just can't. The problem is, I can. All I did yesterday was go to school and then sit around watching The Office, My Name is Earl, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But you know what? Screw it, I would have rather have done that.
I actually do have a ton of things to talk about though, that's the thing. It's gotten to the point where I just want to jump on here and write about what I am thinking about, even if it's not important or even interesting. I will sit and think about how to get all of my ideas to tie into each other so my blogs do not get boring. But really, I am doing this for myself, so if you think this is boring dear reader, move on. I do care what you think, and I am glad that you are here visiting with me, but the last thing I want to do is worry about boring people. Also, I try to figure out what is most important so I can write one blog a day on it. But it's my blog! If I want to write more than one a day, I damn well will.
Update on my dream journal...I had a weird one last night, but I don't feel like writing. Especially since I have already told Francis about it in great detail, so I don't want to go back over it again. It really boils down to laziness really.
I got a surprise in the mail last night. I won an award for excellence in student teaching! I am actually quite proud of myself. But it made me feel really bad...It just seems to me that it's unfair that I won this award after I decided not to teach. Not to mention the fact that I already knew I am really good at teaching...I don't care how stuck up that sounds, I am GOOD at it...but this more solidifies that fact, and now I feel worse about quitting.
I hate that word: quitting. I didn't quit...I fulfilled the requirements, finished the program with flying colors...Ah I just don't know. It's thoughts like these that just make me want to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. I feel really crappy about myself when I think like this, because honestly, I'm not really sure what I think about myself. I obviously have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I don't want to be held back by restrictions. What I wonder about myself is: do I draw back and quit something when I am almost done with it because I'm scared? Am I scared of getting everything set for teaching and then having to actually go out into the real world? I think to an extent I am. But I do not doubt my feelings about not wanting to teach. Although...ARG. I don't know. I sound like a pirate.
So really I thought I had a ton of things to say, but now I am so depressed about thinking about teaching I don't even want to write them.
My baby chinchilla passed away the other night, just to update. She had a rough going, seizures for about a half hour until she went. That was tough. I don't want to talk about it.
Another thing I wonder about myself, and I could write for hours on this trying to figure it out (which may actually say a lot about me, considering what I am about it write) is if I am really stuck on myself. I don't feel like I am. But I think in my actions I might be. I don't think I always was though.
I once got into a very big fight with a friend who I will never be close to again, but we at least decided to be civil with each other. When we decided to at least talk, we re-added each other to our myspaces (I know it seems immature, but when I am contemplating cutting someone completely out of my life, I don't want to hop online and see her updates every day). By doing this, her blogs became available to me once more. As I read them, I got very angry. None of them said my name, but they were obviously pointed at me (immature, I would have rather he said these things to me about about me instead of insinuating it was me. By doing this, everyone knew it was me, but because it didn't say my name, other people felt that they were safe to add in their two cents). They described me as a person who did not care about anything unless I was the center of it. A person who does not listen. A person who wants the world to hear her, but does not want to hear the world. And most of all, a person who does not appriciate what others do for me. What made me the most mad was that she was describing everything that during our friendship, I was NOT. As I said, I may be these things now though, and that bothers me. I want to be appriciated. I want people to go out of their way to do ME favors. I want to be the center of someone's affection without be the center of attention. I don't actually like a lot of attention, I just like a lot of affection. Maybe that's my issue. I want more love than anyone can give me, including myself.
This is annoying. Even to me. Last night a guy was hanging out with my fiancee and my friend and me. I don't like this guy. Here's why: when I say something, he will interrupt me to talk to someone else. When I say something funny, he will not acknowledge it, although if someone else said the same thing he would die laughing. He won't look at me or talk to me. It bothers me! It makes me feel invisible. When I put this thought into words though, it makes me feel like someone who needs the world to pay attention to her. Like I feel like I DESERVE it! I am not that person...I just don't like feeling like I am not even in the room. Is that so bad?
I really have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for leaving for vacation. I should go.
I could ramble on for hours. Maybe I will write more than once tonight. More than one a day?! So sue me, it's my blog.
I actually do have a ton of things to talk about though, that's the thing. It's gotten to the point where I just want to jump on here and write about what I am thinking about, even if it's not important or even interesting. I will sit and think about how to get all of my ideas to tie into each other so my blogs do not get boring. But really, I am doing this for myself, so if you think this is boring dear reader, move on. I do care what you think, and I am glad that you are here visiting with me, but the last thing I want to do is worry about boring people. Also, I try to figure out what is most important so I can write one blog a day on it. But it's my blog! If I want to write more than one a day, I damn well will.
Update on my dream journal...I had a weird one last night, but I don't feel like writing. Especially since I have already told Francis about it in great detail, so I don't want to go back over it again. It really boils down to laziness really.
I got a surprise in the mail last night. I won an award for excellence in student teaching! I am actually quite proud of myself. But it made me feel really bad...It just seems to me that it's unfair that I won this award after I decided not to teach. Not to mention the fact that I already knew I am really good at teaching...I don't care how stuck up that sounds, I am GOOD at it...but this more solidifies that fact, and now I feel worse about quitting.
I hate that word: quitting. I didn't quit...I fulfilled the requirements, finished the program with flying colors...Ah I just don't know. It's thoughts like these that just make me want to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. I feel really crappy about myself when I think like this, because honestly, I'm not really sure what I think about myself. I obviously have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I don't want to be held back by restrictions. What I wonder about myself is: do I draw back and quit something when I am almost done with it because I'm scared? Am I scared of getting everything set for teaching and then having to actually go out into the real world? I think to an extent I am. But I do not doubt my feelings about not wanting to teach. Although...ARG. I don't know. I sound like a pirate.
So really I thought I had a ton of things to say, but now I am so depressed about thinking about teaching I don't even want to write them.
My baby chinchilla passed away the other night, just to update. She had a rough going, seizures for about a half hour until she went. That was tough. I don't want to talk about it.
Another thing I wonder about myself, and I could write for hours on this trying to figure it out (which may actually say a lot about me, considering what I am about it write) is if I am really stuck on myself. I don't feel like I am. But I think in my actions I might be. I don't think I always was though.
I once got into a very big fight with a friend who I will never be close to again, but we at least decided to be civil with each other. When we decided to at least talk, we re-added each other to our myspaces (I know it seems immature, but when I am contemplating cutting someone completely out of my life, I don't want to hop online and see her updates every day). By doing this, her blogs became available to me once more. As I read them, I got very angry. None of them said my name, but they were obviously pointed at me (immature, I would have rather he said these things to me about about me instead of insinuating it was me. By doing this, everyone knew it was me, but because it didn't say my name, other people felt that they were safe to add in their two cents). They described me as a person who did not care about anything unless I was the center of it. A person who does not listen. A person who wants the world to hear her, but does not want to hear the world. And most of all, a person who does not appriciate what others do for me. What made me the most mad was that she was describing everything that during our friendship, I was NOT. As I said, I may be these things now though, and that bothers me. I want to be appriciated. I want people to go out of their way to do ME favors. I want to be the center of someone's affection without be the center of attention. I don't actually like a lot of attention, I just like a lot of affection. Maybe that's my issue. I want more love than anyone can give me, including myself.
This is annoying. Even to me. Last night a guy was hanging out with my fiancee and my friend and me. I don't like this guy. Here's why: when I say something, he will interrupt me to talk to someone else. When I say something funny, he will not acknowledge it, although if someone else said the same thing he would die laughing. He won't look at me or talk to me. It bothers me! It makes me feel invisible. When I put this thought into words though, it makes me feel like someone who needs the world to pay attention to her. Like I feel like I DESERVE it! I am not that person...I just don't like feeling like I am not even in the room. Is that so bad?
I really have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for leaving for vacation. I should go.
I could ramble on for hours. Maybe I will write more than once tonight. More than one a day?! So sue me, it's my blog.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Death...
I am typing this one handed...I guess technically missed a day but I don't count it because I have not gone to bed yet. So there. I had a ton to say today but it will have to wait. My baby chinchilla is dying on my chest.
Peace.
Peace.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
So It Begins....
Lucky you, dear reader...you have now officially been invited on my own personal journey to find/create myself. I have begun a long process of trying to figure out who I am. Writing has always been important to me, and I THINK I might want to include it as part of my every day life and part of who I am...but I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of anything. So therefore, this blog is born. I have made a promise to myself and my best friend (who is doing this alongside me with his own blog, but maybe not so strictly) to start trying to write every day. I would image that this is going to fail miserably. I have a tendency to think that everything in my life right now is a failure. I'm not one of those people who is trying to find themselves optimistically. I am not happy with who or what I am right now, so please do not expect this to be a happy go lucky rambling. This is simply a tool to aid me to find out if writing is really something that I could pursue.
Just as with this blog, most of my writing is going to be about, well a whole lot of nothing. Sometimes I just need to get things down on paper. Or on a screen in this case. I have also decided to start my dream journal once again. I have some weird dreams. I mean really weird. I wrote them all down for probably three months. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever done. Then I stopped. For no reason. I think I will start again.
I have made plan after plan for my life, and recently, I dropped all plans. I can't plan. I can plan for short term, in fact, I love to. Give me something I can make a list for, and I will go nuts. Weird, right? I love listing! It's almost a passion. However, if you ask me to write a list poem, I can't do it. Go figure. Eh, I'm working on it.
Back to my point. I recently decided that I can not live by a plan. It makes me very nervous. The very thought of living my life based on anything more than a few years long freaks me out. I had planned to be a teacher...but there are so many restrictions. I cared for awhile what people thought of me quitting that profession because of that reason. I am trying not to care now...I still do a little. So I decided to fix that! I would become a professor...less restrictions on certain things right? Yeahhhh....I just can't imagine myself doing that for the next thirty years. I can't picture myself doing ANYTHING for 30 years. I don't want to be held back by a career.
So this writing will be my journey. Ideally I would like this blog to be a mixture of long posts, meaningful insights, pointless rambles, short one sentence fulfillments, poems, stories, ideas...I want it to be a creation of me.
So wish me luck, take a journey with me, and off we go...
Just as with this blog, most of my writing is going to be about, well a whole lot of nothing. Sometimes I just need to get things down on paper. Or on a screen in this case. I have also decided to start my dream journal once again. I have some weird dreams. I mean really weird. I wrote them all down for probably three months. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever done. Then I stopped. For no reason. I think I will start again.
I have made plan after plan for my life, and recently, I dropped all plans. I can't plan. I can plan for short term, in fact, I love to. Give me something I can make a list for, and I will go nuts. Weird, right? I love listing! It's almost a passion. However, if you ask me to write a list poem, I can't do it. Go figure. Eh, I'm working on it.
Back to my point. I recently decided that I can not live by a plan. It makes me very nervous. The very thought of living my life based on anything more than a few years long freaks me out. I had planned to be a teacher...but there are so many restrictions. I cared for awhile what people thought of me quitting that profession because of that reason. I am trying not to care now...I still do a little. So I decided to fix that! I would become a professor...less restrictions on certain things right? Yeahhhh....I just can't imagine myself doing that for the next thirty years. I can't picture myself doing ANYTHING for 30 years. I don't want to be held back by a career.
So this writing will be my journey. Ideally I would like this blog to be a mixture of long posts, meaningful insights, pointless rambles, short one sentence fulfillments, poems, stories, ideas...I want it to be a creation of me.
So wish me luck, take a journey with me, and off we go...
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