So Sue Me...

Okay, this time I seriously missed a day. Oh well. I was mad at first, but really, this is not an assignment. If I can't do it, I just can't. The problem is, I can. All I did yesterday was go to school and then sit around watching The Office, My Name is Earl, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But you know what? Screw it, I would have rather have done that.
I actually do have a ton of things to talk about though, that's the thing. It's gotten to the point where I just want to jump on here and write about what I am thinking about, even if it's not important or even interesting. I will sit and think about how to get all of my ideas to tie into each other so my blogs do not get boring. But really, I am doing this for myself, so if you think this is boring dear reader, move on. I do care what you think, and I am glad that you are here visiting with me, but the last thing I want to do is worry about boring people. Also, I try to figure out what is most important so I can write one blog a day on it. But it's my blog! If I want to write more than one a day, I damn well will.
Update on my dream journal...I had a weird one last night, but I don't feel like writing. Especially since I have already told Francis about it in great detail, so I don't want to go back over it again. It really boils down to laziness really.
I got a surprise in the mail last night. I won an award for excellence in student teaching! I am actually quite proud of myself. But it made me feel really bad...It just seems to me that it's unfair that I won this award after I decided not to teach. Not to mention the fact that I already knew I am really good at teaching...I don't care how stuck up that sounds, I am GOOD at it...but this more solidifies that fact, and now I feel worse about quitting.
I hate that word: quitting. I didn't quit...I fulfilled the requirements, finished the program with flying colors...Ah I just don't know. It's thoughts like these that just make me want to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. I feel really crappy about myself when I think like this, because honestly, I'm not really sure what I think about myself. I obviously have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I don't want to be held back by restrictions. What I wonder about myself is: do I draw back and quit something when I am almost done with it because I'm scared? Am I scared of getting everything set for teaching and then having to actually go out into the real world? I think to an extent I am. But I do not doubt my feelings about not wanting to teach. Although...ARG. I don't know. I sound like a pirate.
So really I thought I had a ton of things to say, but now I am so depressed about thinking about teaching I don't even want to write them.
My baby chinchilla passed away the other night, just to update. She had a rough going, seizures for about a half hour until she went. That was tough. I don't want to talk about it.
Another thing I wonder about myself, and I could write for hours on this trying to figure it out (which may actually say a lot about me, considering what I am about it write) is if I am really stuck on myself. I don't feel like I am. But I think in my actions I might be. I don't think I always was though.
I once got into a very big fight with a friend who I will never be close to again, but we at least decided to be civil with each other. When we decided to at least talk, we re-added each other to our myspaces (I know it seems immature, but when I am contemplating cutting someone completely out of my life, I don't want to hop online and see her updates every day). By doing this, her blogs became available to me once more. As I read them, I got very angry. None of them said my name, but they were obviously pointed at me (immature, I would have rather he said these things to me about about me instead of insinuating it was me. By doing this, everyone knew it was me, but because it didn't say my name, other people felt that they were safe to add in their two cents). They described me as a person who did not care about anything unless I was the center of it. A person who does not listen. A person who wants the world to hear her, but does not want to hear the world. And most of all, a person who does not appriciate what others do for me. What made me the most mad was that she was describing everything that during our friendship, I was NOT. As I said, I may be these things now though, and that bothers me. I want to be appriciated. I want people to go out of their way to do ME favors. I want to be the center of someone's affection without be the center of attention. I don't actually like a lot of attention, I just like a lot of affection. Maybe that's my issue. I want more love than anyone can give me, including myself.
This is annoying. Even to me. Last night a guy was hanging out with my fiancee and my friend and me. I don't like this guy. Here's why: when I say something, he will interrupt me to talk to someone else. When I say something funny, he will not acknowledge it, although if someone else said the same thing he would die laughing. He won't look at me or talk to me. It bothers me! It makes me feel invisible. When I put this thought into words though, it makes me feel like someone who needs the world to pay attention to her. Like I feel like I DESERVE it! I am not that person...I just don't like feeling like I am not even in the room. Is that so bad?
I really have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for leaving for vacation. I should go.
I could ramble on for hours. Maybe I will write more than once tonight. More than one a day?! So sue me, it's my blog.