Well well well, it's been awhile! Believe it or not I have actually been keeping myself busy lately. I didn't think was possible without a car, but I have been making it work. If this is any indication of how it's going to be all summer, I say bring it on. The last thing I want to do all summer is sit around at home.
So I have been writing in my dream journal again, as I have said. What I have been finding is that there is a lot of writing material hidden in my dreams, however, I cannot access it until I move away from it. What I mean is, I cannot take a dream I had last night and turn it into a story. I don't know why. Almost none of my dreams make sense after I wake up, but with a little tweaking, they could really turn into something special (sometimes). The problem is, I can't tweak them right after I have them.
I decided to flip back through my journal the other day to read some of the things I had written. I forgot all about them, and being dreams, of course even when I tried I could not remember them. Therefore I could not remember every single thing about them, and it was easier for me to mess around with some of the events. This excites me because I have a whole notebook full of my own genuine ideas that I can work with. YAY!
Speaking of dreams and ideas...Randy had a weird dream last night that I am totally stealing. I didn't have it, so I am able to mess around with the ideas in it.
Completely different, although a little related, subject. I called about a job the other day. I REALLY wanted it. It's something I know I would be kick ass at and that I know I would love. It's also the type of job that kind of falls into your lap, not the kind you can really pursue. I got a call back on it today...saying they are no longer accepting applicants. I was crushed. I understand that in today's economy that jobs are tough to come by, but I REALLY wanted this. Plus it was in Albion so I had a ride until we could get Randy's car back.
The only way this is related is that now that I have been crushed and denied what I was looking for, it's back to writing. I got the flash drive, but I haven't done anything with it. Sometime in the next few days, probably Saturday but we will see, I am going to create files dedicated to each story idea that I can work on as I go along. This will be a great way to organize my thoughts and to help me not forget what I have been working on in my mind.
Anyhow, I didn't actually think I had anything to say, but of course as usual I ran on. Enjoy my readers, I will return another day...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wedding Bells Are Ringing!
I can't believe that as of four months ago, tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. It blows my mind how fast it came. Now I don't know when Randy and I are getting married. I was really upset when we first decided to postpone it, but you know what? Now I am okay. I realize that both of us had a lot of things that we needed to get settled and worked out before we tied the knot. Not that it would have been any different after we were married, but I think that with the stress of planning and carrying out a wedding right now, we couldn't have handled taking care of everything. Not to mention the fact that of course we are still trying to save up to fix his car now. Oye.
So finally my mind seems to be working in a writer's state. I have always sat back and wondered how authors came up with their ideas. I still wonder. Every day in fact. But I have two or three story ideas floating around in my head, which is quite unusual for me. Now my problem is getting the motivation to write them.
Everyone always tells me to write for myself. Francis and I had this conversation a few days ago. Of course I want to write for myself. But I want to write for others too. I don't want to write something that other people never read or enjoy. What is my motivation for that? Why even waste my time? I don't want to just write something for mommy and daddy to say is good either. I want to make a difference. I want to leave my mark on the writing world. The problem is, I don't think I am good enough. And I don't know how to push my writing to the public.
I mean, I know the process. We "learned" that in college, and I have a few people I could approach who have been published for tips, but really? I don't know the first thing about writing for an audience. I just want people to want to read what I have to say.
I am going to pick up a flash drive probably today and just use it solely for my writing. I should have done it a long time ago, but now is the first time I am really serious about this. I have always wanted to be a writer, though. This is the only part of my future that I have wanted that has never altered. Even in my times of great confusion about what I want to do with my life, writing never took a back burner. But my confidence has. And I have yet to get it back.
We will see once I actually start to push myself to get going. First step, that flashdrive. Next step: WRITE!
So finally my mind seems to be working in a writer's state. I have always sat back and wondered how authors came up with their ideas. I still wonder. Every day in fact. But I have two or three story ideas floating around in my head, which is quite unusual for me. Now my problem is getting the motivation to write them.
Everyone always tells me to write for myself. Francis and I had this conversation a few days ago. Of course I want to write for myself. But I want to write for others too. I don't want to write something that other people never read or enjoy. What is my motivation for that? Why even waste my time? I don't want to just write something for mommy and daddy to say is good either. I want to make a difference. I want to leave my mark on the writing world. The problem is, I don't think I am good enough. And I don't know how to push my writing to the public.
I mean, I know the process. We "learned" that in college, and I have a few people I could approach who have been published for tips, but really? I don't know the first thing about writing for an audience. I just want people to want to read what I have to say.
I am going to pick up a flash drive probably today and just use it solely for my writing. I should have done it a long time ago, but now is the first time I am really serious about this. I have always wanted to be a writer, though. This is the only part of my future that I have wanted that has never altered. Even in my times of great confusion about what I want to do with my life, writing never took a back burner. But my confidence has. And I have yet to get it back.
We will see once I actually start to push myself to get going. First step, that flashdrive. Next step: WRITE!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Nothing to Write, Nothing to Say
I honestly have nothing to say. But I feel that I have gone too far without writing.
I think I have decided to take out my lip ring. It was fun while I had it, and I liked being different, but it's more hassle than it is worth, and it hinders me for public things, like jobs or visiting my kids from student teaching.
I started a new medicine on Friday. I often have to wonder if the side effects to a medicine make the end result worth it. My doctor told me the side effects should slow down after a week or so. I sure hope so. I must say though, that they are doing their job. My condition has gotten considerably better. But I can't sleep. It's weird. I do not feel tired. I feel like this could have helped during the past few weeks of school because I have so much more free time now. I'm getting about four hours of sleep a night, so you would think I would be beat...but really, I don't feel tired at all. It just sucks because I like to sleep. I want to sleep. It gets lonely sitting at home all day, then Randy comes home, at night he goes to bed and I'm all along again. Blech. I don't even have a car to go to the store or anything.
Another side effect is headaches. I can live with those. I got those before I went on these pills. But the other night I got my first migraine in years. And it was the worst one I have ever had. It hurt to put my head on the pillow, even! That was odd for me because my headaches and migraines respond to pressure usually. Then it hurt more to close my eyes than to keep them open! What is that?!? But the light hurt my eyes, so they hurt open too. Ah well. That seems to have started calming down...I hope.
Also, I'm nauseous all the time. ALWAYS. It keeps me from eating, so I guess that's a good thing, seeing as how I feel like I eat too much. I hope they calm down, we will see.
One thing that bothers me is that this medicine has made me look at other people differently. Not really in a totally bad way, but it makes me question something very dear to me. I don't want this to effect my friendships or relationships in a bad way. This medicine is supposed to help. It's obviously anti-depressants in case you haven't figured it out, dear reader. My biggest fear is that now that I am feeling better about myself and my life, I am starting to see the negative influences in my life and it is bothering me.
My friend needs help I think. The same kind I need. And I have been trying to convince them to seek it, but they won't. And now that I am trying to get my life straightened out and to have a positive outlook on things, they sometimes really bring me down. How do I help this? I can't try to make myself better and fix them too. I just can't. I'm only one person. Is this a normal thing for someone seeking help to realize? I don't want to get frustrated with them, but I can't help it. Sometimes they just have nothing upbeat or nice or even happy to say. MOST of the time. And it makes me sad because I don't think I can change that for them. And then I feel bad for being happy when they aren't.
Oh life and it's complexities.
I think I have decided to take out my lip ring. It was fun while I had it, and I liked being different, but it's more hassle than it is worth, and it hinders me for public things, like jobs or visiting my kids from student teaching.
I started a new medicine on Friday. I often have to wonder if the side effects to a medicine make the end result worth it. My doctor told me the side effects should slow down after a week or so. I sure hope so. I must say though, that they are doing their job. My condition has gotten considerably better. But I can't sleep. It's weird. I do not feel tired. I feel like this could have helped during the past few weeks of school because I have so much more free time now. I'm getting about four hours of sleep a night, so you would think I would be beat...but really, I don't feel tired at all. It just sucks because I like to sleep. I want to sleep. It gets lonely sitting at home all day, then Randy comes home, at night he goes to bed and I'm all along again. Blech. I don't even have a car to go to the store or anything.
Another side effect is headaches. I can live with those. I got those before I went on these pills. But the other night I got my first migraine in years. And it was the worst one I have ever had. It hurt to put my head on the pillow, even! That was odd for me because my headaches and migraines respond to pressure usually. Then it hurt more to close my eyes than to keep them open! What is that?!? But the light hurt my eyes, so they hurt open too. Ah well. That seems to have started calming down...I hope.
Also, I'm nauseous all the time. ALWAYS. It keeps me from eating, so I guess that's a good thing, seeing as how I feel like I eat too much. I hope they calm down, we will see.
One thing that bothers me is that this medicine has made me look at other people differently. Not really in a totally bad way, but it makes me question something very dear to me. I don't want this to effect my friendships or relationships in a bad way. This medicine is supposed to help. It's obviously anti-depressants in case you haven't figured it out, dear reader. My biggest fear is that now that I am feeling better about myself and my life, I am starting to see the negative influences in my life and it is bothering me.
My friend needs help I think. The same kind I need. And I have been trying to convince them to seek it, but they won't. And now that I am trying to get my life straightened out and to have a positive outlook on things, they sometimes really bring me down. How do I help this? I can't try to make myself better and fix them too. I just can't. I'm only one person. Is this a normal thing for someone seeking help to realize? I don't want to get frustrated with them, but I can't help it. Sometimes they just have nothing upbeat or nice or even happy to say. MOST of the time. And it makes me sad because I don't think I can change that for them. And then I feel bad for being happy when they aren't.
Oh life and it's complexities.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Kill all the Old People...
So I had this class (thank god it's over as of today) full of ignorant freshmen that I have wanted to kill all semester. Today one of the dumbasses crossed my line.
Before class starts is always when the worst conversations occur. Usually I ignore them and read. Today, I couldn't help but to overhear one because everyone was yelling across the room. One boy said, "I think that when people get old enough to not walk at a normal pace, they should die. Like when I am at the diner, and an old person is in front of me with a cane walking slow, they should be shot." And he was dead serious.
What an ignorant, nasty asshole. I told him that too. I asked him if he had any grandparents. He told me one grandmother. I asked if she couldn't walk anymore would he wish her dead? He said yes. This is the type of person who says things like this because he thinks it makes him look "cool" and "hardcore". So of course everyone in the class laughed as he said this. Except me. I went off. I told him that if he got to that point and wanted to die, good for him, commit suicide, he wouldn't be hurting the rest of the world by leaving it. And I told him that heaven forbid his mother or someone get into a car accident and is wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. Does that mean she should die?
People who cannot walk normally have just as much right to live as anyone else. They are doing the bets that they can to live a life that is a bit rougher than most people's. Kudos to them! You know, I don't know where he would be in such a hurry to get off to from the diner, but the fact that he can't wait for two seconds while someone who has lived much longer than him and probably done a hell of a lot more in their life that was worthwhile than he ever will, walks out first. He is a mean, and nasty person.
I think what made me even more mad than his dumb comments though, was the reaction of those around us. As I was attacking him for what he said, about half the class was laughing, while the other half was nodding. And the nodding people were mumbling arguments under their breath. UNDER THEIR BREATH! For example, the girl next to me quietly said, "I worked in a Hospice, and it was the best experience of my life. I have a lot of respect for older people." This same girl also said, "What about people with disabilities? People with MS can't walk."
But all of these comments went unheard. No one would stick up to this guy with me, even if they agreed. It made me so sad and upset that no one would have the guts to defend their own opinion against someone who was offending more than half of a classroom full of people.
What have we come to that people cannot and will not stick up for what they believe in? So many things happen that people disagree with, and yet no one will take a stand. Even I, the only one to say anything to this kid, do the same thing sometimes. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes I don't feel like I have a say, sometimes I feel like it's worthless. But you know, sometimes, all it takes is a few people with a voice to change something. Even if it's just rebuking something as small as this in a classroom. But most people cannot even do that.
I feel crappy that most of the time I can't even do it. It really opened my eyes today though, to stand up for something that I just felt in my heart was so mean spirited. It made me look deeper into myself...and for once, I think I began to like what I was seeing.
Before class starts is always when the worst conversations occur. Usually I ignore them and read. Today, I couldn't help but to overhear one because everyone was yelling across the room. One boy said, "I think that when people get old enough to not walk at a normal pace, they should die. Like when I am at the diner, and an old person is in front of me with a cane walking slow, they should be shot." And he was dead serious.
What an ignorant, nasty asshole. I told him that too. I asked him if he had any grandparents. He told me one grandmother. I asked if she couldn't walk anymore would he wish her dead? He said yes. This is the type of person who says things like this because he thinks it makes him look "cool" and "hardcore". So of course everyone in the class laughed as he said this. Except me. I went off. I told him that if he got to that point and wanted to die, good for him, commit suicide, he wouldn't be hurting the rest of the world by leaving it. And I told him that heaven forbid his mother or someone get into a car accident and is wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. Does that mean she should die?
People who cannot walk normally have just as much right to live as anyone else. They are doing the bets that they can to live a life that is a bit rougher than most people's. Kudos to them! You know, I don't know where he would be in such a hurry to get off to from the diner, but the fact that he can't wait for two seconds while someone who has lived much longer than him and probably done a hell of a lot more in their life that was worthwhile than he ever will, walks out first. He is a mean, and nasty person.
I think what made me even more mad than his dumb comments though, was the reaction of those around us. As I was attacking him for what he said, about half the class was laughing, while the other half was nodding. And the nodding people were mumbling arguments under their breath. UNDER THEIR BREATH! For example, the girl next to me quietly said, "I worked in a Hospice, and it was the best experience of my life. I have a lot of respect for older people." This same girl also said, "What about people with disabilities? People with MS can't walk."
But all of these comments went unheard. No one would stick up to this guy with me, even if they agreed. It made me so sad and upset that no one would have the guts to defend their own opinion against someone who was offending more than half of a classroom full of people.
What have we come to that people cannot and will not stick up for what they believe in? So many things happen that people disagree with, and yet no one will take a stand. Even I, the only one to say anything to this kid, do the same thing sometimes. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes I don't feel like I have a say, sometimes I feel like it's worthless. But you know, sometimes, all it takes is a few people with a voice to change something. Even if it's just rebuking something as small as this in a classroom. But most people cannot even do that.
I feel crappy that most of the time I can't even do it. It really opened my eyes today though, to stand up for something that I just felt in my heart was so mean spirited. It made me look deeper into myself...and for once, I think I began to like what I was seeing.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Random Thoughts Just For the Sake of Writing a Blog Tonight
-Tomorrow is, as far as I know, my last day of college classes ever. I may go back for a Master's eventually, but I don't know. As of right now, we will say it's my last ever. Minus one final on Tuesday, but that's not really a class, and it's only an hour long. I don't know how I feel about that. I went into college right after high school and have been going for five years now. I can't believe it's been so long. I have never in my life since the age of five been without school. I don't know how I will really deal...
-There is something about being in the woods. I don't know how to describe it. It is especially amazing in the spring and summer time. I could just wander and look at things for hours. I love it. I spent a few hours in the woods on the Brockport disc golf course today and it was amazing. There were a million chipmunks, which made my day, and just so many wonderful things. I think my favorite thing is the smell. Spring is here and summer is soon to follow and I am soooooo excited.
-I decided I really don't want to work right now. But I am missing the money. Mainly because I want my car back. I can't get my car without money, I can't get money without a job, and I can't get a job without a car. Screwed much?
-I sort of started my dream journal again today. I wrote most of my dream from last night, but ran out of time before I had to get ready, so it sits on my nightstand half done, and I have no motivation to finish it. But I have to. Problem is, if I don't write as soon as I wake up, the details start to fade. Ugh. I will have more time after next week.
-My wedding is supposed to be 9 days from today. Now it's looking like 2 years and 9 days. I want the party, but as for the actual wedding, eh. I'm not too broken up about it. What would it really change?
That's it for my random thoughts. Yay! I wrote today!
-There is something about being in the woods. I don't know how to describe it. It is especially amazing in the spring and summer time. I could just wander and look at things for hours. I love it. I spent a few hours in the woods on the Brockport disc golf course today and it was amazing. There were a million chipmunks, which made my day, and just so many wonderful things. I think my favorite thing is the smell. Spring is here and summer is soon to follow and I am soooooo excited.
-I decided I really don't want to work right now. But I am missing the money. Mainly because I want my car back. I can't get my car without money, I can't get money without a job, and I can't get a job without a car. Screwed much?
-I sort of started my dream journal again today. I wrote most of my dream from last night, but ran out of time before I had to get ready, so it sits on my nightstand half done, and I have no motivation to finish it. But I have to. Problem is, if I don't write as soon as I wake up, the details start to fade. Ugh. I will have more time after next week.
-My wedding is supposed to be 9 days from today. Now it's looking like 2 years and 9 days. I want the party, but as for the actual wedding, eh. I'm not too broken up about it. What would it really change?
That's it for my random thoughts. Yay! I wrote today!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Three's Company? Happy Birthday!
"Come on man! You seriously don't think it would be fun? I mean, can you think of a better birthday present?"
Kyle thought quietly for a minute before responding. Tim watched him closely and saw a mixture of emotions pass over his face. Kyle finally settled on a mixture of confusion and repulsion as he replied, "Really, man? You're really trying to convince me to do this? She's my girlfriend, dude!"
"No no no, listen to me. I mean REALLY listen, and you'll understand. You know she would love it! How would ANYONE not love this as a birthday present?" As he spoke he jokingly gestured to himself, moving his hands from his head to his waist and ending with a perverse pump of the hips. "No one loses here!"
He couldn't believe he was trying so hard. This had started as a joke, he had known that there was no way in hell Kyle would go along with his idea to give his girlfriend a threesome for her birthday. He honestly didn't even really believe that this would be the "best birthday present ever", although he was preaching for it like he believed it. When he had brought it up to Kyle as a joke, to his surprise Kyle hadn't immediately objected. Tim didn't think that he would actually get away with it, but he wanted to see how far he could push Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "No man, I just can't do it. I would lose! There is not a fiber within me that wants to see your naked, hairy ass!" He feigned a shiver of disgust. "Ugh. Plus she's my girlfriend! What in the world makes you think that I would be cool seeing her with another guy? Let alone a guy that we both were close to. Tell me that wouldn't be an awkward morning!"
Tim had been waiting for this argument, so he had had time to think about how to rebuke. He couldn't believe that he had even gotten this far, so he figured he would keep pushing until he reached his limit. He knew Kyle well enough to know when to stop. Hell, he knew both of them front and back (no pun intended). They had all been friends for so long...and that was his leverage.
"Okay, just go with me here," he began slowly. If he was going to try this, he was going to do it right. He knew he couldn't just rush Kyle into it. He had to sloooowly ease him into the idea. This very well could be the make it or break it point. "You have always wanted to have a threesome right? What guy hasn't right?"
"Yeeeaahhh..." Kyle seemed to think to himself for a moment. "I guess. But think about it dude, when I pictured it, I totally pictured me with two other girls. It's not like I ever really thought I would be doing it with another guy and my girlfriend. I don't know, it's just too weird."
"Now wait! You're not letting me finish. Let me get to my point here." He paused to gather his thougths. He knew he couldn't mess this up now. He was actually starting to think that he might succeed in this. He had secrelty always wanted to get into Brianna's pants, but this was too perfect. If they all had a threesome, Kyle would know that he had slept with his girlfriend, hell even agreed to it, AND he would not have to worry about some weird girly want of commitment. That's just want he needed: sleep with Bri and have her leave Kyle and want a relationship. God. "Okay, so I know you never thought about having one with another guy. No guy pictures it that way. But this could work out so well! Think about it! Do you honestly think that Bri would go for a threesome with another girl? Girls are jealous. They don't want to see another girl "all up on" their man."
Kyle just waited.
"So okay. You still want a threesome. But you know you can't have another girl. So the only other way you can do this is with another guy right? So do you REALLY want some other guy, someone you don't know, doing your girl?"
Kyle looked skeptical. Tim knew he had to step it up.
"And the kicker, man. Have you ever seen a guy hit on your girl? There's something about it. Something that just makes you want her that much more. Hell, some couples go out to bars just to flirt with other people, acting like they don't even know each other, then go home and bang the shit out of each other. There's just something so hot about another guy wanting you girl. Now imagine if you saw another guy actually ACTING on wanting your girl. That would be the biggest turn on! Plus dude, we would never touch each other. No way! We would be on complete opposite sides. There's no way to argue against this! It's seriously a win/win. And again I say, you KNOW she would love this. Don't think I don't know she is a sex kitten. I mean, we have all talked man. This would be perfect!"
Kyle looked at Tim for a moment. "Okay man. Let's do it."
"What? Really?" Tim could not believe this was happening. It was that easy? There had to be a catch! "You're serious?"
"Yeah I'm serious. But listen, hey. We do this, we never talk about it. No one finds out we did it. And we can't be weird after. She would be pissed if I planned this and killed our friendship."
"Yeah yeah, okay. When does she get home? Let's do this today before we pussy out." Tim started taking off his shirt.
"Whoa, what the hell man? You don't have to get all naked for me!" Kyle protested.
"Well, what I was thinking is we could get everything ready and then surprise her when she comes in. Then she won't have time to think about it and she'll just act all wild!"
"Okay, let's get this thing ready then. She should be home any minute." He took off his shirt.
Tim began to undo his pants. Kyle looked at him strangely at first, and then shrugged. He took off his pants too. The two stood awkwardly in the livingroom of Kyle and Bri's apartment, each only wearing their skivvies.
"Really man?" Tim snickered. "Tighty whiteys?"
"Shut up and get things together will you?"
"What do you need me to do?"
Kyle thought. "Go get the comforter out of the closet. I'll get get some toys. We migth as well go all out if we're really going to do this."
Tim went into the closet and started digging around. He heard Kyle doing the same in the bedroom. They both met back up in the living room. Tim began to spread the comforter on the floor while Kyle bent over the table arranging various lubes and other toys.
The door opened and the boys looked up, both bent over, both in their underwear.
Both heard Bri say, "What the hell?"
Kyle thought quietly for a minute before responding. Tim watched him closely and saw a mixture of emotions pass over his face. Kyle finally settled on a mixture of confusion and repulsion as he replied, "Really, man? You're really trying to convince me to do this? She's my girlfriend, dude!"
"No no no, listen to me. I mean REALLY listen, and you'll understand. You know she would love it! How would ANYONE not love this as a birthday present?" As he spoke he jokingly gestured to himself, moving his hands from his head to his waist and ending with a perverse pump of the hips. "No one loses here!"
He couldn't believe he was trying so hard. This had started as a joke, he had known that there was no way in hell Kyle would go along with his idea to give his girlfriend a threesome for her birthday. He honestly didn't even really believe that this would be the "best birthday present ever", although he was preaching for it like he believed it. When he had brought it up to Kyle as a joke, to his surprise Kyle hadn't immediately objected. Tim didn't think that he would actually get away with it, but he wanted to see how far he could push Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "No man, I just can't do it. I would lose! There is not a fiber within me that wants to see your naked, hairy ass!" He feigned a shiver of disgust. "Ugh. Plus she's my girlfriend! What in the world makes you think that I would be cool seeing her with another guy? Let alone a guy that we both were close to. Tell me that wouldn't be an awkward morning!"
Tim had been waiting for this argument, so he had had time to think about how to rebuke. He couldn't believe that he had even gotten this far, so he figured he would keep pushing until he reached his limit. He knew Kyle well enough to know when to stop. Hell, he knew both of them front and back (no pun intended). They had all been friends for so long...and that was his leverage.
"Okay, just go with me here," he began slowly. If he was going to try this, he was going to do it right. He knew he couldn't just rush Kyle into it. He had to sloooowly ease him into the idea. This very well could be the make it or break it point. "You have always wanted to have a threesome right? What guy hasn't right?"
"Yeeeaahhh..." Kyle seemed to think to himself for a moment. "I guess. But think about it dude, when I pictured it, I totally pictured me with two other girls. It's not like I ever really thought I would be doing it with another guy and my girlfriend. I don't know, it's just too weird."
"Now wait! You're not letting me finish. Let me get to my point here." He paused to gather his thougths. He knew he couldn't mess this up now. He was actually starting to think that he might succeed in this. He had secrelty always wanted to get into Brianna's pants, but this was too perfect. If they all had a threesome, Kyle would know that he had slept with his girlfriend, hell even agreed to it, AND he would not have to worry about some weird girly want of commitment. That's just want he needed: sleep with Bri and have her leave Kyle and want a relationship. God. "Okay, so I know you never thought about having one with another guy. No guy pictures it that way. But this could work out so well! Think about it! Do you honestly think that Bri would go for a threesome with another girl? Girls are jealous. They don't want to see another girl "all up on" their man."
Kyle just waited.
"So okay. You still want a threesome. But you know you can't have another girl. So the only other way you can do this is with another guy right? So do you REALLY want some other guy, someone you don't know, doing your girl?"
Kyle looked skeptical. Tim knew he had to step it up.
"And the kicker, man. Have you ever seen a guy hit on your girl? There's something about it. Something that just makes you want her that much more. Hell, some couples go out to bars just to flirt with other people, acting like they don't even know each other, then go home and bang the shit out of each other. There's just something so hot about another guy wanting you girl. Now imagine if you saw another guy actually ACTING on wanting your girl. That would be the biggest turn on! Plus dude, we would never touch each other. No way! We would be on complete opposite sides. There's no way to argue against this! It's seriously a win/win. And again I say, you KNOW she would love this. Don't think I don't know she is a sex kitten. I mean, we have all talked man. This would be perfect!"
Kyle looked at Tim for a moment. "Okay man. Let's do it."
"What? Really?" Tim could not believe this was happening. It was that easy? There had to be a catch! "You're serious?"
"Yeah I'm serious. But listen, hey. We do this, we never talk about it. No one finds out we did it. And we can't be weird after. She would be pissed if I planned this and killed our friendship."
"Yeah yeah, okay. When does she get home? Let's do this today before we pussy out." Tim started taking off his shirt.
"Whoa, what the hell man? You don't have to get all naked for me!" Kyle protested.
"Well, what I was thinking is we could get everything ready and then surprise her when she comes in. Then she won't have time to think about it and she'll just act all wild!"
"Okay, let's get this thing ready then. She should be home any minute." He took off his shirt.
Tim began to undo his pants. Kyle looked at him strangely at first, and then shrugged. He took off his pants too. The two stood awkwardly in the livingroom of Kyle and Bri's apartment, each only wearing their skivvies.
"Really man?" Tim snickered. "Tighty whiteys?"
"Shut up and get things together will you?"
"What do you need me to do?"
Kyle thought. "Go get the comforter out of the closet. I'll get get some toys. We migth as well go all out if we're really going to do this."
Tim went into the closet and started digging around. He heard Kyle doing the same in the bedroom. They both met back up in the living room. Tim began to spread the comforter on the floor while Kyle bent over the table arranging various lubes and other toys.
The door opened and the boys looked up, both bent over, both in their underwear.
Both heard Bri say, "What the hell?"
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Feaking Nerve of a State Funded College
You know, sometimes weird things happen to me and I just can't figure out why in the hell they happen. They might not be weird to most people, but I don't know, sometimes they hit me. For example, I tend to have random sex dreams about people I don't know. They are always people I have seen or met, but they are usually people I really don't know. Like I would go to work at Walmart and see a new worker. We would smile and say hi, and whether or not I found him attractive, I could go home and have a sex dream about him. Weird. And most times they are about people I would never even consider.
Honestly, that has nothing to do with what I want to talk about, other than the fact that I got a weird phone call that pissed me off tonight. I have been getting calls from a number that I didn't recognize but I knew was local. This went on for about two weeks. I figured if it was important they would leave a message. I should also mention that I refuse to answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Anyhow, I got another call from said number tonight. I picked up the phone and all I could hear was other people talking. The conversation went as follows:
Her: Hi I'm looking for a Mr. or Mrs. Bradshaw?
Me: This is her.
Her: Hi Mrs. Bradshaw. I am so and so and I am a Freshmen at SUNY Brockport. How are you tonight?
Me: Fine.
Her: Well I see here that Brand is up for graduation this semester. Will you be attending the ceremony?
Me: No, I am unable to.
Her: Oh well, I heard it was a really nice ceremony. I'm sure sure if you can't make it because you will not be around or whatever...
Me: I will be out of town at that time.
Her: Oh. Well I guess I'm just a freshmen and I don't know anything about graduation...
Me: *Silence*
Her: Anyways, I was just calling to see if you would like to make a last minute donation to the ceremony in the amount of $50.00 or even $25.00?
Me: Uh no. I am unable to at this time.
Her: Oh, okay, have a good night then.
SERIOUSLY? I mean, first of all, I told her (yes, as my mom) that we would not be at the ceremony. So...why would I donate money for a ceremony I will not even be attending? You have to figure (in most cases) that if a parent is not going, then the kid isn't either. This is the case here. Second, WHO THE HELL HAS FIFTY DOLLARS TO DONATE TO A COLLEGE CEREMONY...THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ANYWAYS?!?!!? And third, the worst to me...I pay thousands of dollars to this college for every semester I attend. Not every year, every semester. How in the hell do they not have the money to fund the ceremony? What the hell else am I paying for? I have been going to this school for four years. They have MORE than enough of my money to pay for SEVERAL graduation ceremonies! OMG.
I hung up and thought to myself that this college seriously has some nerve. I just can't stand it.
In other news, today is one of my loser days. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I feel like a total failure. Take the good days with the bad, right? See ya.
Honestly, that has nothing to do with what I want to talk about, other than the fact that I got a weird phone call that pissed me off tonight. I have been getting calls from a number that I didn't recognize but I knew was local. This went on for about two weeks. I figured if it was important they would leave a message. I should also mention that I refuse to answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Anyhow, I got another call from said number tonight. I picked up the phone and all I could hear was other people talking. The conversation went as follows:
Her: Hi I'm looking for a Mr. or Mrs. Bradshaw?
Me: This is her.
Her: Hi Mrs. Bradshaw. I am so and so and I am a Freshmen at SUNY Brockport. How are you tonight?
Me: Fine.
Her: Well I see here that Brand is up for graduation this semester. Will you be attending the ceremony?
Me: No, I am unable to.
Her: Oh well, I heard it was a really nice ceremony. I'm sure sure if you can't make it because you will not be around or whatever...
Me: I will be out of town at that time.
Her: Oh. Well I guess I'm just a freshmen and I don't know anything about graduation...
Me: *Silence*
Her: Anyways, I was just calling to see if you would like to make a last minute donation to the ceremony in the amount of $50.00 or even $25.00?
Me: Uh no. I am unable to at this time.
Her: Oh, okay, have a good night then.
SERIOUSLY? I mean, first of all, I told her (yes, as my mom) that we would not be at the ceremony. So...why would I donate money for a ceremony I will not even be attending? You have to figure (in most cases) that if a parent is not going, then the kid isn't either. This is the case here. Second, WHO THE HELL HAS FIFTY DOLLARS TO DONATE TO A COLLEGE CEREMONY...THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ANYWAYS?!?!!? And third, the worst to me...I pay thousands of dollars to this college for every semester I attend. Not every year, every semester. How in the hell do they not have the money to fund the ceremony? What the hell else am I paying for? I have been going to this school for four years. They have MORE than enough of my money to pay for SEVERAL graduation ceremonies! OMG.
I hung up and thought to myself that this college seriously has some nerve. I just can't stand it.
In other news, today is one of my loser days. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I feel like a total failure. Take the good days with the bad, right? See ya.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Humans, Birds, Seahorses...What Do We All Have in Common?
So I oftentimes find myself seriously thinking about and questioning monogamy. I don't like to talk about it much because people begin to think that I don't want to be with Randy, and that's not the case at all. I love Randy to death and I can't imagine life without him. Monogamy just seems like such a weird and primitive idea to me.
Think about how many people cheat on their significant others. It's a HUGE phenomenon. And when you ask some people why they do it, sometimes they do not know. Perfectly happy people ruin perfectly good situations in order to be with someone else. And then when it is ruined they are heartbroken. Does this seem like a species that should only allow it's persons to take one lover?
The thing that made me think of this is that while I was doing the dishes today, I was contemplating the honeymoon stage. God I miss that. The feeling of just wanting to spend every second with him. He could do no wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. And on the other hand, I was the same to him. I remember when I could not get to him, and he would go WAY out of his way to just come see me for an hour, just because. I remember little notes here and there to let me know that I was the only one he thought of...ever. I remember trying to figure out when I would have fifteen extra minutes to go see him. That's gone. And that's something that will never come back.
It's not that once the honeymoon stage is over that everything goes downhill. You enter an entirely different stage, and in my case it's a stage of comfort. It took a while, but at this point he is my shelter. I can tell him anything, and he can do the same. I can walk around in my pj's with my hair all a mess, and he does not judge me. I can watch him be totally sick for three days, not shower, and just lay there, and I am not grossed out. These are things you can only get when you have passed that initial stage.
But I still find myself wanting to go back to that so happy time. You can imitate that feeling, but you can never get it back. Unfortunately the only way to ever feel that way again is to find another partner and start over. But even that will eventually pass on.
So should humans only be with one person their entire life? It seems like we miss so much if we are! 60 years only being with one person. 60 years! There are so many people in this world, and you cannot experience them all, but by attaching yourself to only the one, you miss out on even more. Every person to entire your life in any way is going to leave some sort of impression, have some sort of effect on you. Think of all of impressions and effects that we lose by not letting ourselves love more than one person.
It just seems like such a flowed system. Not to mention the fact that EVERY DAY you change. You grow. You learn. You develop. It does not make sense that you should always click with the one person in your life. However, no one seems to understand that it is true that people can grow apart. The key word is grow. People grow.
I really dread posting this because of what people may think, but this blog is to help me organize my thoughts, and this is something I think about a lot. Believe it or not, Randy and I have talked about it a lot. Certain points he agrees with, others he doesn't. I don't know when I lost it, but I just can't believe in that forever perfect love. I can't. He still does. I just don't believe in fairy tales.
You would think, having such different opinions on this that he would not trust me, or we would argue, but that is probably the thing I love the most about him. We believe in radically different things sometimes, but we talk about them, and we weave some EXTREMELY interesting conversations about them. You can't always agree on on everything.
Anyways, there's my rant. Take it or leave it, you will not convince me otherwise. Out!
Think about how many people cheat on their significant others. It's a HUGE phenomenon. And when you ask some people why they do it, sometimes they do not know. Perfectly happy people ruin perfectly good situations in order to be with someone else. And then when it is ruined they are heartbroken. Does this seem like a species that should only allow it's persons to take one lover?
The thing that made me think of this is that while I was doing the dishes today, I was contemplating the honeymoon stage. God I miss that. The feeling of just wanting to spend every second with him. He could do no wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. And on the other hand, I was the same to him. I remember when I could not get to him, and he would go WAY out of his way to just come see me for an hour, just because. I remember little notes here and there to let me know that I was the only one he thought of...ever. I remember trying to figure out when I would have fifteen extra minutes to go see him. That's gone. And that's something that will never come back.
It's not that once the honeymoon stage is over that everything goes downhill. You enter an entirely different stage, and in my case it's a stage of comfort. It took a while, but at this point he is my shelter. I can tell him anything, and he can do the same. I can walk around in my pj's with my hair all a mess, and he does not judge me. I can watch him be totally sick for three days, not shower, and just lay there, and I am not grossed out. These are things you can only get when you have passed that initial stage.
But I still find myself wanting to go back to that so happy time. You can imitate that feeling, but you can never get it back. Unfortunately the only way to ever feel that way again is to find another partner and start over. But even that will eventually pass on.
So should humans only be with one person their entire life? It seems like we miss so much if we are! 60 years only being with one person. 60 years! There are so many people in this world, and you cannot experience them all, but by attaching yourself to only the one, you miss out on even more. Every person to entire your life in any way is going to leave some sort of impression, have some sort of effect on you. Think of all of impressions and effects that we lose by not letting ourselves love more than one person.
It just seems like such a flowed system. Not to mention the fact that EVERY DAY you change. You grow. You learn. You develop. It does not make sense that you should always click with the one person in your life. However, no one seems to understand that it is true that people can grow apart. The key word is grow. People grow.
I really dread posting this because of what people may think, but this blog is to help me organize my thoughts, and this is something I think about a lot. Believe it or not, Randy and I have talked about it a lot. Certain points he agrees with, others he doesn't. I don't know when I lost it, but I just can't believe in that forever perfect love. I can't. He still does. I just don't believe in fairy tales.
You would think, having such different opinions on this that he would not trust me, or we would argue, but that is probably the thing I love the most about him. We believe in radically different things sometimes, but we talk about them, and we weave some EXTREMELY interesting conversations about them. You can't always agree on on everything.
Anyways, there's my rant. Take it or leave it, you will not convince me otherwise. Out!
Friday, May 1, 2009
No Plan
I have decided that I have a problem. I cannot deal with plans. And that in itself is a problem to me because I love planning! I can plan for anyone else, and the plan will work. I can plan for myself, and if I go through with the plan, it will work. My problem is that plans for some reason scare me or something. I don't really FEEL scared of plans. I just think maybe that's the case, because everything in my life that is based on a plan I have started to shy away from.
Case and point I decided that I am NOT going to write on this blog every day. I can't. Sometimes it is just not possible, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. This is NOT an assignment, so why should I HAVE to do anything with it? I shouldn't. RIGHT THERE! I just shunned a plan. Is is because I'm scared of writing every day? No.
Maybe I'm lazy. That idea scares me because it seems like it could be so true. And how do I stop being lazy? I just do, right? I don't know. The thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life...one thing, a career...I just can't think on it. It makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I never have done anything that I loved for any length of time. I spent a lot of my time teaching and working with teaching, and studying teaching, just to figure out for myself that it's not what I want to do. That started it all. Which is why I think I'm scared. I think I shy away from anything like that now because I'm scared that if I put so much of myself and my time into something again that it will fail me. I really don't know.
Randy once said that he thought that maybe I should talk to someone. I go through fits of what I guess could be called depression where I just don't want to move, I don't want to see anyone, I get mad at everything, then I get sad, and then I just feel emotionally exhausted and I just can't do anything, But then I look at people who actually HAVE depression, and I feel like my version of it is a cop out for laziness. Those other people, they seriously have this problem, and I feel like I am trying to use what they actually have as an excuse for just generally being lazy. When Randy said I should talk to someone, I freaked out. Not to anyone. Just in my mind. I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine right? Oye.
I hate feeling this way. Then a friend of mine told me that he doesn't think I am depressed. He thinks I need more social interaction. I can't say if he's right or not because I shy away from social interaction. I don't mean to. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Even with friends. I always worry that they will be bored. We won't have anything to talk about. I will be bored. They don't REALLY want to spend time with me. I don't want to get up and get ready. I don't feel like it. I end up canceling more often than not.
That's not healthy. But my friend says he sees a significant change in me when I actually do get out and spend time with people. I just need that motivation to get going and once I do I am okay. So maybe he is right? So then my question is how do I get over this lack of motivation? Or laziness? It scares me. It always comes back to being lazy. I don't want to be that person.
I got on here with nothing at all to say, and as soon as I wrote my first sentence it all started pouring out, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don't know if I feel any better about it. I KNOW I didn't make any sense. But now it's out there. And it's out of me. So maybe this will help.
I love writing. I wish I was good at it.
Case and point I decided that I am NOT going to write on this blog every day. I can't. Sometimes it is just not possible, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. This is NOT an assignment, so why should I HAVE to do anything with it? I shouldn't. RIGHT THERE! I just shunned a plan. Is is because I'm scared of writing every day? No.
Maybe I'm lazy. That idea scares me because it seems like it could be so true. And how do I stop being lazy? I just do, right? I don't know. The thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life...one thing, a career...I just can't think on it. It makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I never have done anything that I loved for any length of time. I spent a lot of my time teaching and working with teaching, and studying teaching, just to figure out for myself that it's not what I want to do. That started it all. Which is why I think I'm scared. I think I shy away from anything like that now because I'm scared that if I put so much of myself and my time into something again that it will fail me. I really don't know.
Randy once said that he thought that maybe I should talk to someone. I go through fits of what I guess could be called depression where I just don't want to move, I don't want to see anyone, I get mad at everything, then I get sad, and then I just feel emotionally exhausted and I just can't do anything, But then I look at people who actually HAVE depression, and I feel like my version of it is a cop out for laziness. Those other people, they seriously have this problem, and I feel like I am trying to use what they actually have as an excuse for just generally being lazy. When Randy said I should talk to someone, I freaked out. Not to anyone. Just in my mind. I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine right? Oye.
I hate feeling this way. Then a friend of mine told me that he doesn't think I am depressed. He thinks I need more social interaction. I can't say if he's right or not because I shy away from social interaction. I don't mean to. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Even with friends. I always worry that they will be bored. We won't have anything to talk about. I will be bored. They don't REALLY want to spend time with me. I don't want to get up and get ready. I don't feel like it. I end up canceling more often than not.
That's not healthy. But my friend says he sees a significant change in me when I actually do get out and spend time with people. I just need that motivation to get going and once I do I am okay. So maybe he is right? So then my question is how do I get over this lack of motivation? Or laziness? It scares me. It always comes back to being lazy. I don't want to be that person.
I got on here with nothing at all to say, and as soon as I wrote my first sentence it all started pouring out, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don't know if I feel any better about it. I KNOW I didn't make any sense. But now it's out there. And it's out of me. So maybe this will help.
I love writing. I wish I was good at it.
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