No Plan

I have decided that I have a problem. I cannot deal with plans. And that in itself is a problem to me because I love planning! I can plan for anyone else, and the plan will work. I can plan for myself, and if I go through with the plan, it will work. My problem is that plans for some reason scare me or something. I don't really FEEL scared of plans. I just think maybe that's the case, because everything in my life that is based on a plan I have started to shy away from.
Case and point I decided that I am NOT going to write on this blog every day. I can't. Sometimes it is just not possible, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. This is NOT an assignment, so why should I HAVE to do anything with it? I shouldn't. RIGHT THERE! I just shunned a plan. Is is because I'm scared of writing every day? No.
Maybe I'm lazy. That idea scares me because it seems like it could be so true. And how do I stop being lazy? I just do, right? I don't know. The thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life...one thing, a career...I just can't think on it. It makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I never have done anything that I loved for any length of time. I spent a lot of my time teaching and working with teaching, and studying teaching, just to figure out for myself that it's not what I want to do. That started it all. Which is why I think I'm scared. I think I shy away from anything like that now because I'm scared that if I put so much of myself and my time into something again that it will fail me. I really don't know.
Randy once said that he thought that maybe I should talk to someone. I go through fits of what I guess could be called depression where I just don't want to move, I don't want to see anyone, I get mad at everything, then I get sad, and then I just feel emotionally exhausted and I just can't do anything, But then I look at people who actually HAVE depression, and I feel like my version of it is a cop out for laziness. Those other people, they seriously have this problem, and I feel like I am trying to use what they actually have as an excuse for just generally being lazy. When Randy said I should talk to someone, I freaked out. Not to anyone. Just in my mind. I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine right? Oye.
I hate feeling this way. Then a friend of mine told me that he doesn't think I am depressed. He thinks I need more social interaction. I can't say if he's right or not because I shy away from social interaction. I don't mean to. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Even with friends. I always worry that they will be bored. We won't have anything to talk about. I will be bored. They don't REALLY want to spend time with me. I don't want to get up and get ready. I don't feel like it. I end up canceling more often than not.
That's not healthy. But my friend says he sees a significant change in me when I actually do get out and spend time with people. I just need that motivation to get going and once I do I am okay. So maybe he is right? So then my question is how do I get over this lack of motivation? Or laziness? It scares me. It always comes back to being lazy. I don't want to be that person.
I got on here with nothing at all to say, and as soon as I wrote my first sentence it all started pouring out, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don't know if I feel any better about it. I KNOW I didn't make any sense. But now it's out there. And it's out of me. So maybe this will help.
I love writing. I wish I was good at it.