Well well well, it's been awhile! Believe it or not I have actually been keeping myself busy lately. I didn't think was possible without a car, but I have been making it work. If this is any indication of how it's going to be all summer, I say bring it on. The last thing I want to do all summer is sit around at home.
So I have been writing in my dream journal again, as I have said. What I have been finding is that there is a lot of writing material hidden in my dreams, however, I cannot access it until I move away from it. What I mean is, I cannot take a dream I had last night and turn it into a story. I don't know why. Almost none of my dreams make sense after I wake up, but with a little tweaking, they could really turn into something special (sometimes). The problem is, I can't tweak them right after I have them.
I decided to flip back through my journal the other day to read some of the things I had written. I forgot all about them, and being dreams, of course even when I tried I could not remember them. Therefore I could not remember every single thing about them, and it was easier for me to mess around with some of the events. This excites me because I have a whole notebook full of my own genuine ideas that I can work with. YAY!
Speaking of dreams and ideas...Randy had a weird dream last night that I am totally stealing. I didn't have it, so I am able to mess around with the ideas in it.
Completely different, although a little related, subject. I called about a job the other day. I REALLY wanted it. It's something I know I would be kick ass at and that I know I would love. It's also the type of job that kind of falls into your lap, not the kind you can really pursue. I got a call back on it today...saying they are no longer accepting applicants. I was crushed. I understand that in today's economy that jobs are tough to come by, but I REALLY wanted this. Plus it was in Albion so I had a ride until we could get Randy's car back.
The only way this is related is that now that I have been crushed and denied what I was looking for, it's back to writing. I got the flash drive, but I haven't done anything with it. Sometime in the next few days, probably Saturday but we will see, I am going to create files dedicated to each story idea that I can work on as I go along. This will be a great way to organize my thoughts and to help me not forget what I have been working on in my mind.
Anyhow, I didn't actually think I had anything to say, but of course as usual I ran on. Enjoy my readers, I will return another day...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wedding Bells Are Ringing!
I can't believe that as of four months ago, tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. It blows my mind how fast it came. Now I don't know when Randy and I are getting married. I was really upset when we first decided to postpone it, but you know what? Now I am okay. I realize that both of us had a lot of things that we needed to get settled and worked out before we tied the knot. Not that it would have been any different after we were married, but I think that with the stress of planning and carrying out a wedding right now, we couldn't have handled taking care of everything. Not to mention the fact that of course we are still trying to save up to fix his car now. Oye.
So finally my mind seems to be working in a writer's state. I have always sat back and wondered how authors came up with their ideas. I still wonder. Every day in fact. But I have two or three story ideas floating around in my head, which is quite unusual for me. Now my problem is getting the motivation to write them.
Everyone always tells me to write for myself. Francis and I had this conversation a few days ago. Of course I want to write for myself. But I want to write for others too. I don't want to write something that other people never read or enjoy. What is my motivation for that? Why even waste my time? I don't want to just write something for mommy and daddy to say is good either. I want to make a difference. I want to leave my mark on the writing world. The problem is, I don't think I am good enough. And I don't know how to push my writing to the public.
I mean, I know the process. We "learned" that in college, and I have a few people I could approach who have been published for tips, but really? I don't know the first thing about writing for an audience. I just want people to want to read what I have to say.
I am going to pick up a flash drive probably today and just use it solely for my writing. I should have done it a long time ago, but now is the first time I am really serious about this. I have always wanted to be a writer, though. This is the only part of my future that I have wanted that has never altered. Even in my times of great confusion about what I want to do with my life, writing never took a back burner. But my confidence has. And I have yet to get it back.
We will see once I actually start to push myself to get going. First step, that flashdrive. Next step: WRITE!
So finally my mind seems to be working in a writer's state. I have always sat back and wondered how authors came up with their ideas. I still wonder. Every day in fact. But I have two or three story ideas floating around in my head, which is quite unusual for me. Now my problem is getting the motivation to write them.
Everyone always tells me to write for myself. Francis and I had this conversation a few days ago. Of course I want to write for myself. But I want to write for others too. I don't want to write something that other people never read or enjoy. What is my motivation for that? Why even waste my time? I don't want to just write something for mommy and daddy to say is good either. I want to make a difference. I want to leave my mark on the writing world. The problem is, I don't think I am good enough. And I don't know how to push my writing to the public.
I mean, I know the process. We "learned" that in college, and I have a few people I could approach who have been published for tips, but really? I don't know the first thing about writing for an audience. I just want people to want to read what I have to say.
I am going to pick up a flash drive probably today and just use it solely for my writing. I should have done it a long time ago, but now is the first time I am really serious about this. I have always wanted to be a writer, though. This is the only part of my future that I have wanted that has never altered. Even in my times of great confusion about what I want to do with my life, writing never took a back burner. But my confidence has. And I have yet to get it back.
We will see once I actually start to push myself to get going. First step, that flashdrive. Next step: WRITE!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Nothing to Write, Nothing to Say
I honestly have nothing to say. But I feel that I have gone too far without writing.
I think I have decided to take out my lip ring. It was fun while I had it, and I liked being different, but it's more hassle than it is worth, and it hinders me for public things, like jobs or visiting my kids from student teaching.
I started a new medicine on Friday. I often have to wonder if the side effects to a medicine make the end result worth it. My doctor told me the side effects should slow down after a week or so. I sure hope so. I must say though, that they are doing their job. My condition has gotten considerably better. But I can't sleep. It's weird. I do not feel tired. I feel like this could have helped during the past few weeks of school because I have so much more free time now. I'm getting about four hours of sleep a night, so you would think I would be beat...but really, I don't feel tired at all. It just sucks because I like to sleep. I want to sleep. It gets lonely sitting at home all day, then Randy comes home, at night he goes to bed and I'm all along again. Blech. I don't even have a car to go to the store or anything.
Another side effect is headaches. I can live with those. I got those before I went on these pills. But the other night I got my first migraine in years. And it was the worst one I have ever had. It hurt to put my head on the pillow, even! That was odd for me because my headaches and migraines respond to pressure usually. Then it hurt more to close my eyes than to keep them open! What is that?!? But the light hurt my eyes, so they hurt open too. Ah well. That seems to have started calming down...I hope.
Also, I'm nauseous all the time. ALWAYS. It keeps me from eating, so I guess that's a good thing, seeing as how I feel like I eat too much. I hope they calm down, we will see.
One thing that bothers me is that this medicine has made me look at other people differently. Not really in a totally bad way, but it makes me question something very dear to me. I don't want this to effect my friendships or relationships in a bad way. This medicine is supposed to help. It's obviously anti-depressants in case you haven't figured it out, dear reader. My biggest fear is that now that I am feeling better about myself and my life, I am starting to see the negative influences in my life and it is bothering me.
My friend needs help I think. The same kind I need. And I have been trying to convince them to seek it, but they won't. And now that I am trying to get my life straightened out and to have a positive outlook on things, they sometimes really bring me down. How do I help this? I can't try to make myself better and fix them too. I just can't. I'm only one person. Is this a normal thing for someone seeking help to realize? I don't want to get frustrated with them, but I can't help it. Sometimes they just have nothing upbeat or nice or even happy to say. MOST of the time. And it makes me sad because I don't think I can change that for them. And then I feel bad for being happy when they aren't.
Oh life and it's complexities.
I think I have decided to take out my lip ring. It was fun while I had it, and I liked being different, but it's more hassle than it is worth, and it hinders me for public things, like jobs or visiting my kids from student teaching.
I started a new medicine on Friday. I often have to wonder if the side effects to a medicine make the end result worth it. My doctor told me the side effects should slow down after a week or so. I sure hope so. I must say though, that they are doing their job. My condition has gotten considerably better. But I can't sleep. It's weird. I do not feel tired. I feel like this could have helped during the past few weeks of school because I have so much more free time now. I'm getting about four hours of sleep a night, so you would think I would be beat...but really, I don't feel tired at all. It just sucks because I like to sleep. I want to sleep. It gets lonely sitting at home all day, then Randy comes home, at night he goes to bed and I'm all along again. Blech. I don't even have a car to go to the store or anything.
Another side effect is headaches. I can live with those. I got those before I went on these pills. But the other night I got my first migraine in years. And it was the worst one I have ever had. It hurt to put my head on the pillow, even! That was odd for me because my headaches and migraines respond to pressure usually. Then it hurt more to close my eyes than to keep them open! What is that?!? But the light hurt my eyes, so they hurt open too. Ah well. That seems to have started calming down...I hope.
Also, I'm nauseous all the time. ALWAYS. It keeps me from eating, so I guess that's a good thing, seeing as how I feel like I eat too much. I hope they calm down, we will see.
One thing that bothers me is that this medicine has made me look at other people differently. Not really in a totally bad way, but it makes me question something very dear to me. I don't want this to effect my friendships or relationships in a bad way. This medicine is supposed to help. It's obviously anti-depressants in case you haven't figured it out, dear reader. My biggest fear is that now that I am feeling better about myself and my life, I am starting to see the negative influences in my life and it is bothering me.
My friend needs help I think. The same kind I need. And I have been trying to convince them to seek it, but they won't. And now that I am trying to get my life straightened out and to have a positive outlook on things, they sometimes really bring me down. How do I help this? I can't try to make myself better and fix them too. I just can't. I'm only one person. Is this a normal thing for someone seeking help to realize? I don't want to get frustrated with them, but I can't help it. Sometimes they just have nothing upbeat or nice or even happy to say. MOST of the time. And it makes me sad because I don't think I can change that for them. And then I feel bad for being happy when they aren't.
Oh life and it's complexities.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Kill all the Old People...
So I had this class (thank god it's over as of today) full of ignorant freshmen that I have wanted to kill all semester. Today one of the dumbasses crossed my line.
Before class starts is always when the worst conversations occur. Usually I ignore them and read. Today, I couldn't help but to overhear one because everyone was yelling across the room. One boy said, "I think that when people get old enough to not walk at a normal pace, they should die. Like when I am at the diner, and an old person is in front of me with a cane walking slow, they should be shot." And he was dead serious.
What an ignorant, nasty asshole. I told him that too. I asked him if he had any grandparents. He told me one grandmother. I asked if she couldn't walk anymore would he wish her dead? He said yes. This is the type of person who says things like this because he thinks it makes him look "cool" and "hardcore". So of course everyone in the class laughed as he said this. Except me. I went off. I told him that if he got to that point and wanted to die, good for him, commit suicide, he wouldn't be hurting the rest of the world by leaving it. And I told him that heaven forbid his mother or someone get into a car accident and is wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. Does that mean she should die?
People who cannot walk normally have just as much right to live as anyone else. They are doing the bets that they can to live a life that is a bit rougher than most people's. Kudos to them! You know, I don't know where he would be in such a hurry to get off to from the diner, but the fact that he can't wait for two seconds while someone who has lived much longer than him and probably done a hell of a lot more in their life that was worthwhile than he ever will, walks out first. He is a mean, and nasty person.
I think what made me even more mad than his dumb comments though, was the reaction of those around us. As I was attacking him for what he said, about half the class was laughing, while the other half was nodding. And the nodding people were mumbling arguments under their breath. UNDER THEIR BREATH! For example, the girl next to me quietly said, "I worked in a Hospice, and it was the best experience of my life. I have a lot of respect for older people." This same girl also said, "What about people with disabilities? People with MS can't walk."
But all of these comments went unheard. No one would stick up to this guy with me, even if they agreed. It made me so sad and upset that no one would have the guts to defend their own opinion against someone who was offending more than half of a classroom full of people.
What have we come to that people cannot and will not stick up for what they believe in? So many things happen that people disagree with, and yet no one will take a stand. Even I, the only one to say anything to this kid, do the same thing sometimes. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes I don't feel like I have a say, sometimes I feel like it's worthless. But you know, sometimes, all it takes is a few people with a voice to change something. Even if it's just rebuking something as small as this in a classroom. But most people cannot even do that.
I feel crappy that most of the time I can't even do it. It really opened my eyes today though, to stand up for something that I just felt in my heart was so mean spirited. It made me look deeper into myself...and for once, I think I began to like what I was seeing.
Before class starts is always when the worst conversations occur. Usually I ignore them and read. Today, I couldn't help but to overhear one because everyone was yelling across the room. One boy said, "I think that when people get old enough to not walk at a normal pace, they should die. Like when I am at the diner, and an old person is in front of me with a cane walking slow, they should be shot." And he was dead serious.
What an ignorant, nasty asshole. I told him that too. I asked him if he had any grandparents. He told me one grandmother. I asked if she couldn't walk anymore would he wish her dead? He said yes. This is the type of person who says things like this because he thinks it makes him look "cool" and "hardcore". So of course everyone in the class laughed as he said this. Except me. I went off. I told him that if he got to that point and wanted to die, good for him, commit suicide, he wouldn't be hurting the rest of the world by leaving it. And I told him that heaven forbid his mother or someone get into a car accident and is wheelchair bound for the rest of her life. Does that mean she should die?
People who cannot walk normally have just as much right to live as anyone else. They are doing the bets that they can to live a life that is a bit rougher than most people's. Kudos to them! You know, I don't know where he would be in such a hurry to get off to from the diner, but the fact that he can't wait for two seconds while someone who has lived much longer than him and probably done a hell of a lot more in their life that was worthwhile than he ever will, walks out first. He is a mean, and nasty person.
I think what made me even more mad than his dumb comments though, was the reaction of those around us. As I was attacking him for what he said, about half the class was laughing, while the other half was nodding. And the nodding people were mumbling arguments under their breath. UNDER THEIR BREATH! For example, the girl next to me quietly said, "I worked in a Hospice, and it was the best experience of my life. I have a lot of respect for older people." This same girl also said, "What about people with disabilities? People with MS can't walk."
But all of these comments went unheard. No one would stick up to this guy with me, even if they agreed. It made me so sad and upset that no one would have the guts to defend their own opinion against someone who was offending more than half of a classroom full of people.
What have we come to that people cannot and will not stick up for what they believe in? So many things happen that people disagree with, and yet no one will take a stand. Even I, the only one to say anything to this kid, do the same thing sometimes. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes I don't feel like I have a say, sometimes I feel like it's worthless. But you know, sometimes, all it takes is a few people with a voice to change something. Even if it's just rebuking something as small as this in a classroom. But most people cannot even do that.
I feel crappy that most of the time I can't even do it. It really opened my eyes today though, to stand up for something that I just felt in my heart was so mean spirited. It made me look deeper into myself...and for once, I think I began to like what I was seeing.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Random Thoughts Just For the Sake of Writing a Blog Tonight
-Tomorrow is, as far as I know, my last day of college classes ever. I may go back for a Master's eventually, but I don't know. As of right now, we will say it's my last ever. Minus one final on Tuesday, but that's not really a class, and it's only an hour long. I don't know how I feel about that. I went into college right after high school and have been going for five years now. I can't believe it's been so long. I have never in my life since the age of five been without school. I don't know how I will really deal...
-There is something about being in the woods. I don't know how to describe it. It is especially amazing in the spring and summer time. I could just wander and look at things for hours. I love it. I spent a few hours in the woods on the Brockport disc golf course today and it was amazing. There were a million chipmunks, which made my day, and just so many wonderful things. I think my favorite thing is the smell. Spring is here and summer is soon to follow and I am soooooo excited.
-I decided I really don't want to work right now. But I am missing the money. Mainly because I want my car back. I can't get my car without money, I can't get money without a job, and I can't get a job without a car. Screwed much?
-I sort of started my dream journal again today. I wrote most of my dream from last night, but ran out of time before I had to get ready, so it sits on my nightstand half done, and I have no motivation to finish it. But I have to. Problem is, if I don't write as soon as I wake up, the details start to fade. Ugh. I will have more time after next week.
-My wedding is supposed to be 9 days from today. Now it's looking like 2 years and 9 days. I want the party, but as for the actual wedding, eh. I'm not too broken up about it. What would it really change?
That's it for my random thoughts. Yay! I wrote today!
-There is something about being in the woods. I don't know how to describe it. It is especially amazing in the spring and summer time. I could just wander and look at things for hours. I love it. I spent a few hours in the woods on the Brockport disc golf course today and it was amazing. There were a million chipmunks, which made my day, and just so many wonderful things. I think my favorite thing is the smell. Spring is here and summer is soon to follow and I am soooooo excited.
-I decided I really don't want to work right now. But I am missing the money. Mainly because I want my car back. I can't get my car without money, I can't get money without a job, and I can't get a job without a car. Screwed much?
-I sort of started my dream journal again today. I wrote most of my dream from last night, but ran out of time before I had to get ready, so it sits on my nightstand half done, and I have no motivation to finish it. But I have to. Problem is, if I don't write as soon as I wake up, the details start to fade. Ugh. I will have more time after next week.
-My wedding is supposed to be 9 days from today. Now it's looking like 2 years and 9 days. I want the party, but as for the actual wedding, eh. I'm not too broken up about it. What would it really change?
That's it for my random thoughts. Yay! I wrote today!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Three's Company? Happy Birthday!
"Come on man! You seriously don't think it would be fun? I mean, can you think of a better birthday present?"
Kyle thought quietly for a minute before responding. Tim watched him closely and saw a mixture of emotions pass over his face. Kyle finally settled on a mixture of confusion and repulsion as he replied, "Really, man? You're really trying to convince me to do this? She's my girlfriend, dude!"
"No no no, listen to me. I mean REALLY listen, and you'll understand. You know she would love it! How would ANYONE not love this as a birthday present?" As he spoke he jokingly gestured to himself, moving his hands from his head to his waist and ending with a perverse pump of the hips. "No one loses here!"
He couldn't believe he was trying so hard. This had started as a joke, he had known that there was no way in hell Kyle would go along with his idea to give his girlfriend a threesome for her birthday. He honestly didn't even really believe that this would be the "best birthday present ever", although he was preaching for it like he believed it. When he had brought it up to Kyle as a joke, to his surprise Kyle hadn't immediately objected. Tim didn't think that he would actually get away with it, but he wanted to see how far he could push Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "No man, I just can't do it. I would lose! There is not a fiber within me that wants to see your naked, hairy ass!" He feigned a shiver of disgust. "Ugh. Plus she's my girlfriend! What in the world makes you think that I would be cool seeing her with another guy? Let alone a guy that we both were close to. Tell me that wouldn't be an awkward morning!"
Tim had been waiting for this argument, so he had had time to think about how to rebuke. He couldn't believe that he had even gotten this far, so he figured he would keep pushing until he reached his limit. He knew Kyle well enough to know when to stop. Hell, he knew both of them front and back (no pun intended). They had all been friends for so long...and that was his leverage.
"Okay, just go with me here," he began slowly. If he was going to try this, he was going to do it right. He knew he couldn't just rush Kyle into it. He had to sloooowly ease him into the idea. This very well could be the make it or break it point. "You have always wanted to have a threesome right? What guy hasn't right?"
"Yeeeaahhh..." Kyle seemed to think to himself for a moment. "I guess. But think about it dude, when I pictured it, I totally pictured me with two other girls. It's not like I ever really thought I would be doing it with another guy and my girlfriend. I don't know, it's just too weird."
"Now wait! You're not letting me finish. Let me get to my point here." He paused to gather his thougths. He knew he couldn't mess this up now. He was actually starting to think that he might succeed in this. He had secrelty always wanted to get into Brianna's pants, but this was too perfect. If they all had a threesome, Kyle would know that he had slept with his girlfriend, hell even agreed to it, AND he would not have to worry about some weird girly want of commitment. That's just want he needed: sleep with Bri and have her leave Kyle and want a relationship. God. "Okay, so I know you never thought about having one with another guy. No guy pictures it that way. But this could work out so well! Think about it! Do you honestly think that Bri would go for a threesome with another girl? Girls are jealous. They don't want to see another girl "all up on" their man."
Kyle just waited.
"So okay. You still want a threesome. But you know you can't have another girl. So the only other way you can do this is with another guy right? So do you REALLY want some other guy, someone you don't know, doing your girl?"
Kyle looked skeptical. Tim knew he had to step it up.
"And the kicker, man. Have you ever seen a guy hit on your girl? There's something about it. Something that just makes you want her that much more. Hell, some couples go out to bars just to flirt with other people, acting like they don't even know each other, then go home and bang the shit out of each other. There's just something so hot about another guy wanting you girl. Now imagine if you saw another guy actually ACTING on wanting your girl. That would be the biggest turn on! Plus dude, we would never touch each other. No way! We would be on complete opposite sides. There's no way to argue against this! It's seriously a win/win. And again I say, you KNOW she would love this. Don't think I don't know she is a sex kitten. I mean, we have all talked man. This would be perfect!"
Kyle looked at Tim for a moment. "Okay man. Let's do it."
"What? Really?" Tim could not believe this was happening. It was that easy? There had to be a catch! "You're serious?"
"Yeah I'm serious. But listen, hey. We do this, we never talk about it. No one finds out we did it. And we can't be weird after. She would be pissed if I planned this and killed our friendship."
"Yeah yeah, okay. When does she get home? Let's do this today before we pussy out." Tim started taking off his shirt.
"Whoa, what the hell man? You don't have to get all naked for me!" Kyle protested.
"Well, what I was thinking is we could get everything ready and then surprise her when she comes in. Then she won't have time to think about it and she'll just act all wild!"
"Okay, let's get this thing ready then. She should be home any minute." He took off his shirt.
Tim began to undo his pants. Kyle looked at him strangely at first, and then shrugged. He took off his pants too. The two stood awkwardly in the livingroom of Kyle and Bri's apartment, each only wearing their skivvies.
"Really man?" Tim snickered. "Tighty whiteys?"
"Shut up and get things together will you?"
"What do you need me to do?"
Kyle thought. "Go get the comforter out of the closet. I'll get get some toys. We migth as well go all out if we're really going to do this."
Tim went into the closet and started digging around. He heard Kyle doing the same in the bedroom. They both met back up in the living room. Tim began to spread the comforter on the floor while Kyle bent over the table arranging various lubes and other toys.
The door opened and the boys looked up, both bent over, both in their underwear.
Both heard Bri say, "What the hell?"
Kyle thought quietly for a minute before responding. Tim watched him closely and saw a mixture of emotions pass over his face. Kyle finally settled on a mixture of confusion and repulsion as he replied, "Really, man? You're really trying to convince me to do this? She's my girlfriend, dude!"
"No no no, listen to me. I mean REALLY listen, and you'll understand. You know she would love it! How would ANYONE not love this as a birthday present?" As he spoke he jokingly gestured to himself, moving his hands from his head to his waist and ending with a perverse pump of the hips. "No one loses here!"
He couldn't believe he was trying so hard. This had started as a joke, he had known that there was no way in hell Kyle would go along with his idea to give his girlfriend a threesome for her birthday. He honestly didn't even really believe that this would be the "best birthday present ever", although he was preaching for it like he believed it. When he had brought it up to Kyle as a joke, to his surprise Kyle hadn't immediately objected. Tim didn't think that he would actually get away with it, but he wanted to see how far he could push Kyle.
Kyle shook his head. "No man, I just can't do it. I would lose! There is not a fiber within me that wants to see your naked, hairy ass!" He feigned a shiver of disgust. "Ugh. Plus she's my girlfriend! What in the world makes you think that I would be cool seeing her with another guy? Let alone a guy that we both were close to. Tell me that wouldn't be an awkward morning!"
Tim had been waiting for this argument, so he had had time to think about how to rebuke. He couldn't believe that he had even gotten this far, so he figured he would keep pushing until he reached his limit. He knew Kyle well enough to know when to stop. Hell, he knew both of them front and back (no pun intended). They had all been friends for so long...and that was his leverage.
"Okay, just go with me here," he began slowly. If he was going to try this, he was going to do it right. He knew he couldn't just rush Kyle into it. He had to sloooowly ease him into the idea. This very well could be the make it or break it point. "You have always wanted to have a threesome right? What guy hasn't right?"
"Yeeeaahhh..." Kyle seemed to think to himself for a moment. "I guess. But think about it dude, when I pictured it, I totally pictured me with two other girls. It's not like I ever really thought I would be doing it with another guy and my girlfriend. I don't know, it's just too weird."
"Now wait! You're not letting me finish. Let me get to my point here." He paused to gather his thougths. He knew he couldn't mess this up now. He was actually starting to think that he might succeed in this. He had secrelty always wanted to get into Brianna's pants, but this was too perfect. If they all had a threesome, Kyle would know that he had slept with his girlfriend, hell even agreed to it, AND he would not have to worry about some weird girly want of commitment. That's just want he needed: sleep with Bri and have her leave Kyle and want a relationship. God. "Okay, so I know you never thought about having one with another guy. No guy pictures it that way. But this could work out so well! Think about it! Do you honestly think that Bri would go for a threesome with another girl? Girls are jealous. They don't want to see another girl "all up on" their man."
Kyle just waited.
"So okay. You still want a threesome. But you know you can't have another girl. So the only other way you can do this is with another guy right? So do you REALLY want some other guy, someone you don't know, doing your girl?"
Kyle looked skeptical. Tim knew he had to step it up.
"And the kicker, man. Have you ever seen a guy hit on your girl? There's something about it. Something that just makes you want her that much more. Hell, some couples go out to bars just to flirt with other people, acting like they don't even know each other, then go home and bang the shit out of each other. There's just something so hot about another guy wanting you girl. Now imagine if you saw another guy actually ACTING on wanting your girl. That would be the biggest turn on! Plus dude, we would never touch each other. No way! We would be on complete opposite sides. There's no way to argue against this! It's seriously a win/win. And again I say, you KNOW she would love this. Don't think I don't know she is a sex kitten. I mean, we have all talked man. This would be perfect!"
Kyle looked at Tim for a moment. "Okay man. Let's do it."
"What? Really?" Tim could not believe this was happening. It was that easy? There had to be a catch! "You're serious?"
"Yeah I'm serious. But listen, hey. We do this, we never talk about it. No one finds out we did it. And we can't be weird after. She would be pissed if I planned this and killed our friendship."
"Yeah yeah, okay. When does she get home? Let's do this today before we pussy out." Tim started taking off his shirt.
"Whoa, what the hell man? You don't have to get all naked for me!" Kyle protested.
"Well, what I was thinking is we could get everything ready and then surprise her when she comes in. Then she won't have time to think about it and she'll just act all wild!"
"Okay, let's get this thing ready then. She should be home any minute." He took off his shirt.
Tim began to undo his pants. Kyle looked at him strangely at first, and then shrugged. He took off his pants too. The two stood awkwardly in the livingroom of Kyle and Bri's apartment, each only wearing their skivvies.
"Really man?" Tim snickered. "Tighty whiteys?"
"Shut up and get things together will you?"
"What do you need me to do?"
Kyle thought. "Go get the comforter out of the closet. I'll get get some toys. We migth as well go all out if we're really going to do this."
Tim went into the closet and started digging around. He heard Kyle doing the same in the bedroom. They both met back up in the living room. Tim began to spread the comforter on the floor while Kyle bent over the table arranging various lubes and other toys.
The door opened and the boys looked up, both bent over, both in their underwear.
Both heard Bri say, "What the hell?"
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Feaking Nerve of a State Funded College
You know, sometimes weird things happen to me and I just can't figure out why in the hell they happen. They might not be weird to most people, but I don't know, sometimes they hit me. For example, I tend to have random sex dreams about people I don't know. They are always people I have seen or met, but they are usually people I really don't know. Like I would go to work at Walmart and see a new worker. We would smile and say hi, and whether or not I found him attractive, I could go home and have a sex dream about him. Weird. And most times they are about people I would never even consider.
Honestly, that has nothing to do with what I want to talk about, other than the fact that I got a weird phone call that pissed me off tonight. I have been getting calls from a number that I didn't recognize but I knew was local. This went on for about two weeks. I figured if it was important they would leave a message. I should also mention that I refuse to answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Anyhow, I got another call from said number tonight. I picked up the phone and all I could hear was other people talking. The conversation went as follows:
Her: Hi I'm looking for a Mr. or Mrs. Bradshaw?
Me: This is her.
Her: Hi Mrs. Bradshaw. I am so and so and I am a Freshmen at SUNY Brockport. How are you tonight?
Me: Fine.
Her: Well I see here that Brand is up for graduation this semester. Will you be attending the ceremony?
Me: No, I am unable to.
Her: Oh well, I heard it was a really nice ceremony. I'm sure sure if you can't make it because you will not be around or whatever...
Me: I will be out of town at that time.
Her: Oh. Well I guess I'm just a freshmen and I don't know anything about graduation...
Me: *Silence*
Her: Anyways, I was just calling to see if you would like to make a last minute donation to the ceremony in the amount of $50.00 or even $25.00?
Me: Uh no. I am unable to at this time.
Her: Oh, okay, have a good night then.
SERIOUSLY? I mean, first of all, I told her (yes, as my mom) that we would not be at the ceremony. So...why would I donate money for a ceremony I will not even be attending? You have to figure (in most cases) that if a parent is not going, then the kid isn't either. This is the case here. Second, WHO THE HELL HAS FIFTY DOLLARS TO DONATE TO A COLLEGE CEREMONY...THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ANYWAYS?!?!!? And third, the worst to me...I pay thousands of dollars to this college for every semester I attend. Not every year, every semester. How in the hell do they not have the money to fund the ceremony? What the hell else am I paying for? I have been going to this school for four years. They have MORE than enough of my money to pay for SEVERAL graduation ceremonies! OMG.
I hung up and thought to myself that this college seriously has some nerve. I just can't stand it.
In other news, today is one of my loser days. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I feel like a total failure. Take the good days with the bad, right? See ya.
Honestly, that has nothing to do with what I want to talk about, other than the fact that I got a weird phone call that pissed me off tonight. I have been getting calls from a number that I didn't recognize but I knew was local. This went on for about two weeks. I figured if it was important they would leave a message. I should also mention that I refuse to answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Anyhow, I got another call from said number tonight. I picked up the phone and all I could hear was other people talking. The conversation went as follows:
Her: Hi I'm looking for a Mr. or Mrs. Bradshaw?
Me: This is her.
Her: Hi Mrs. Bradshaw. I am so and so and I am a Freshmen at SUNY Brockport. How are you tonight?
Me: Fine.
Her: Well I see here that Brand is up for graduation this semester. Will you be attending the ceremony?
Me: No, I am unable to.
Her: Oh well, I heard it was a really nice ceremony. I'm sure sure if you can't make it because you will not be around or whatever...
Me: I will be out of town at that time.
Her: Oh. Well I guess I'm just a freshmen and I don't know anything about graduation...
Me: *Silence*
Her: Anyways, I was just calling to see if you would like to make a last minute donation to the ceremony in the amount of $50.00 or even $25.00?
Me: Uh no. I am unable to at this time.
Her: Oh, okay, have a good night then.
SERIOUSLY? I mean, first of all, I told her (yes, as my mom) that we would not be at the ceremony. So...why would I donate money for a ceremony I will not even be attending? You have to figure (in most cases) that if a parent is not going, then the kid isn't either. This is the case here. Second, WHO THE HELL HAS FIFTY DOLLARS TO DONATE TO A COLLEGE CEREMONY...THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ANYWAYS?!?!!? And third, the worst to me...I pay thousands of dollars to this college for every semester I attend. Not every year, every semester. How in the hell do they not have the money to fund the ceremony? What the hell else am I paying for? I have been going to this school for four years. They have MORE than enough of my money to pay for SEVERAL graduation ceremonies! OMG.
I hung up and thought to myself that this college seriously has some nerve. I just can't stand it.
In other news, today is one of my loser days. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I feel like a total failure. Take the good days with the bad, right? See ya.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Humans, Birds, Seahorses...What Do We All Have in Common?
So I oftentimes find myself seriously thinking about and questioning monogamy. I don't like to talk about it much because people begin to think that I don't want to be with Randy, and that's not the case at all. I love Randy to death and I can't imagine life without him. Monogamy just seems like such a weird and primitive idea to me.
Think about how many people cheat on their significant others. It's a HUGE phenomenon. And when you ask some people why they do it, sometimes they do not know. Perfectly happy people ruin perfectly good situations in order to be with someone else. And then when it is ruined they are heartbroken. Does this seem like a species that should only allow it's persons to take one lover?
The thing that made me think of this is that while I was doing the dishes today, I was contemplating the honeymoon stage. God I miss that. The feeling of just wanting to spend every second with him. He could do no wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. And on the other hand, I was the same to him. I remember when I could not get to him, and he would go WAY out of his way to just come see me for an hour, just because. I remember little notes here and there to let me know that I was the only one he thought of...ever. I remember trying to figure out when I would have fifteen extra minutes to go see him. That's gone. And that's something that will never come back.
It's not that once the honeymoon stage is over that everything goes downhill. You enter an entirely different stage, and in my case it's a stage of comfort. It took a while, but at this point he is my shelter. I can tell him anything, and he can do the same. I can walk around in my pj's with my hair all a mess, and he does not judge me. I can watch him be totally sick for three days, not shower, and just lay there, and I am not grossed out. These are things you can only get when you have passed that initial stage.
But I still find myself wanting to go back to that so happy time. You can imitate that feeling, but you can never get it back. Unfortunately the only way to ever feel that way again is to find another partner and start over. But even that will eventually pass on.
So should humans only be with one person their entire life? It seems like we miss so much if we are! 60 years only being with one person. 60 years! There are so many people in this world, and you cannot experience them all, but by attaching yourself to only the one, you miss out on even more. Every person to entire your life in any way is going to leave some sort of impression, have some sort of effect on you. Think of all of impressions and effects that we lose by not letting ourselves love more than one person.
It just seems like such a flowed system. Not to mention the fact that EVERY DAY you change. You grow. You learn. You develop. It does not make sense that you should always click with the one person in your life. However, no one seems to understand that it is true that people can grow apart. The key word is grow. People grow.
I really dread posting this because of what people may think, but this blog is to help me organize my thoughts, and this is something I think about a lot. Believe it or not, Randy and I have talked about it a lot. Certain points he agrees with, others he doesn't. I don't know when I lost it, but I just can't believe in that forever perfect love. I can't. He still does. I just don't believe in fairy tales.
You would think, having such different opinions on this that he would not trust me, or we would argue, but that is probably the thing I love the most about him. We believe in radically different things sometimes, but we talk about them, and we weave some EXTREMELY interesting conversations about them. You can't always agree on on everything.
Anyways, there's my rant. Take it or leave it, you will not convince me otherwise. Out!
Think about how many people cheat on their significant others. It's a HUGE phenomenon. And when you ask some people why they do it, sometimes they do not know. Perfectly happy people ruin perfectly good situations in order to be with someone else. And then when it is ruined they are heartbroken. Does this seem like a species that should only allow it's persons to take one lover?
The thing that made me think of this is that while I was doing the dishes today, I was contemplating the honeymoon stage. God I miss that. The feeling of just wanting to spend every second with him. He could do no wrong. He was perfect in my eyes. And on the other hand, I was the same to him. I remember when I could not get to him, and he would go WAY out of his way to just come see me for an hour, just because. I remember little notes here and there to let me know that I was the only one he thought of...ever. I remember trying to figure out when I would have fifteen extra minutes to go see him. That's gone. And that's something that will never come back.
It's not that once the honeymoon stage is over that everything goes downhill. You enter an entirely different stage, and in my case it's a stage of comfort. It took a while, but at this point he is my shelter. I can tell him anything, and he can do the same. I can walk around in my pj's with my hair all a mess, and he does not judge me. I can watch him be totally sick for three days, not shower, and just lay there, and I am not grossed out. These are things you can only get when you have passed that initial stage.
But I still find myself wanting to go back to that so happy time. You can imitate that feeling, but you can never get it back. Unfortunately the only way to ever feel that way again is to find another partner and start over. But even that will eventually pass on.
So should humans only be with one person their entire life? It seems like we miss so much if we are! 60 years only being with one person. 60 years! There are so many people in this world, and you cannot experience them all, but by attaching yourself to only the one, you miss out on even more. Every person to entire your life in any way is going to leave some sort of impression, have some sort of effect on you. Think of all of impressions and effects that we lose by not letting ourselves love more than one person.
It just seems like such a flowed system. Not to mention the fact that EVERY DAY you change. You grow. You learn. You develop. It does not make sense that you should always click with the one person in your life. However, no one seems to understand that it is true that people can grow apart. The key word is grow. People grow.
I really dread posting this because of what people may think, but this blog is to help me organize my thoughts, and this is something I think about a lot. Believe it or not, Randy and I have talked about it a lot. Certain points he agrees with, others he doesn't. I don't know when I lost it, but I just can't believe in that forever perfect love. I can't. He still does. I just don't believe in fairy tales.
You would think, having such different opinions on this that he would not trust me, or we would argue, but that is probably the thing I love the most about him. We believe in radically different things sometimes, but we talk about them, and we weave some EXTREMELY interesting conversations about them. You can't always agree on on everything.
Anyways, there's my rant. Take it or leave it, you will not convince me otherwise. Out!
Friday, May 1, 2009
No Plan
I have decided that I have a problem. I cannot deal with plans. And that in itself is a problem to me because I love planning! I can plan for anyone else, and the plan will work. I can plan for myself, and if I go through with the plan, it will work. My problem is that plans for some reason scare me or something. I don't really FEEL scared of plans. I just think maybe that's the case, because everything in my life that is based on a plan I have started to shy away from.
Case and point I decided that I am NOT going to write on this blog every day. I can't. Sometimes it is just not possible, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. This is NOT an assignment, so why should I HAVE to do anything with it? I shouldn't. RIGHT THERE! I just shunned a plan. Is is because I'm scared of writing every day? No.
Maybe I'm lazy. That idea scares me because it seems like it could be so true. And how do I stop being lazy? I just do, right? I don't know. The thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life...one thing, a career...I just can't think on it. It makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I never have done anything that I loved for any length of time. I spent a lot of my time teaching and working with teaching, and studying teaching, just to figure out for myself that it's not what I want to do. That started it all. Which is why I think I'm scared. I think I shy away from anything like that now because I'm scared that if I put so much of myself and my time into something again that it will fail me. I really don't know.
Randy once said that he thought that maybe I should talk to someone. I go through fits of what I guess could be called depression where I just don't want to move, I don't want to see anyone, I get mad at everything, then I get sad, and then I just feel emotionally exhausted and I just can't do anything, But then I look at people who actually HAVE depression, and I feel like my version of it is a cop out for laziness. Those other people, they seriously have this problem, and I feel like I am trying to use what they actually have as an excuse for just generally being lazy. When Randy said I should talk to someone, I freaked out. Not to anyone. Just in my mind. I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine right? Oye.
I hate feeling this way. Then a friend of mine told me that he doesn't think I am depressed. He thinks I need more social interaction. I can't say if he's right or not because I shy away from social interaction. I don't mean to. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Even with friends. I always worry that they will be bored. We won't have anything to talk about. I will be bored. They don't REALLY want to spend time with me. I don't want to get up and get ready. I don't feel like it. I end up canceling more often than not.
That's not healthy. But my friend says he sees a significant change in me when I actually do get out and spend time with people. I just need that motivation to get going and once I do I am okay. So maybe he is right? So then my question is how do I get over this lack of motivation? Or laziness? It scares me. It always comes back to being lazy. I don't want to be that person.
I got on here with nothing at all to say, and as soon as I wrote my first sentence it all started pouring out, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don't know if I feel any better about it. I KNOW I didn't make any sense. But now it's out there. And it's out of me. So maybe this will help.
I love writing. I wish I was good at it.
Case and point I decided that I am NOT going to write on this blog every day. I can't. Sometimes it is just not possible, and sometimes I just don't feel like it. This is NOT an assignment, so why should I HAVE to do anything with it? I shouldn't. RIGHT THERE! I just shunned a plan. Is is because I'm scared of writing every day? No.
Maybe I'm lazy. That idea scares me because it seems like it could be so true. And how do I stop being lazy? I just do, right? I don't know. The thought of doing ANYTHING for the rest of my life...one thing, a career...I just can't think on it. It makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I never have done anything that I loved for any length of time. I spent a lot of my time teaching and working with teaching, and studying teaching, just to figure out for myself that it's not what I want to do. That started it all. Which is why I think I'm scared. I think I shy away from anything like that now because I'm scared that if I put so much of myself and my time into something again that it will fail me. I really don't know.
Randy once said that he thought that maybe I should talk to someone. I go through fits of what I guess could be called depression where I just don't want to move, I don't want to see anyone, I get mad at everything, then I get sad, and then I just feel emotionally exhausted and I just can't do anything, But then I look at people who actually HAVE depression, and I feel like my version of it is a cop out for laziness. Those other people, they seriously have this problem, and I feel like I am trying to use what they actually have as an excuse for just generally being lazy. When Randy said I should talk to someone, I freaked out. Not to anyone. Just in my mind. I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine right? Oye.
I hate feeling this way. Then a friend of mine told me that he doesn't think I am depressed. He thinks I need more social interaction. I can't say if he's right or not because I shy away from social interaction. I don't mean to. It just makes me so uncomfortable. Even with friends. I always worry that they will be bored. We won't have anything to talk about. I will be bored. They don't REALLY want to spend time with me. I don't want to get up and get ready. I don't feel like it. I end up canceling more often than not.
That's not healthy. But my friend says he sees a significant change in me when I actually do get out and spend time with people. I just need that motivation to get going and once I do I am okay. So maybe he is right? So then my question is how do I get over this lack of motivation? Or laziness? It scares me. It always comes back to being lazy. I don't want to be that person.
I got on here with nothing at all to say, and as soon as I wrote my first sentence it all started pouring out, which I guess is a good thing, right? I don't know if I feel any better about it. I KNOW I didn't make any sense. But now it's out there. And it's out of me. So maybe this will help.
I love writing. I wish I was good at it.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"Project Perfect" Chapter 1
There was just something about the first day of college that always got Cathy pumped up. Even thinking about it just made her stomach flitter. Although she was a loner by nature, that did not make her any less of a human- she still craved human interaction-and college was her drug. Somehow, she got what she needed from it, even though she shyly avoided all contact with the other students in the school.
SUNY Brockport was by no means a large campus, however, after attending a high school with a graduating class of less than two hundred, followed by a three building community college, Brockport seemed the size of a small city. In fact, even in her second year there, she had yet to set foot on probably more than half of the campus grounds. Hell, she even still got lost in the places that she had been before.
Because of her lack of knowledge concerning direction, Cathy found it incredibly helpful to show up on campus the day before classes started in order to map out the easiest routes concerning her schedule. There was almost nothing more embarrassing to her than showing up late to class because she had gotten lost.
This is what she was doing when she first noticed the girl. There was nothing about her that should have caught Cathy's eye, but she noticed her nonetheless. Really, nothing on the girl even stood out. She had chocolate brown skin and very short, natural jet black hair. Her skirt was made of denim and fell to her feet, resting on top of her clean, pure white sneakers. The skirt, being so plain and long, eliminated any feminine shape she may have had. Her shirt, unremarkable, was a plain short sleeve tee. Clearly visable were several brown bobby pins holding stray strands of hair away from the girl's face. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to why the pins were placed as they did not hold all of her hair back, thus making her hair look even more wild in its natural style.
There was just something so completely normal about the girl that it made her seem abnormal. Cathy decided that that is why she caught her eye. As she headed towards the computer building, she watched the girl sit down on a bench outside the door and begin to unpack her cute pink shoulder bag. Cathy went in to print out her schedule.
****
Later when she came out, Cathy noticed the girl still sitting at the bench. She noticed that the girl was leaning intensely over something on the table in front of her and then vigerously writing in a notebook in her lap. As Cathy walked by she noticed that the object on the table was a class catalog and assumed that the girl was making a semester schedule.
"Strange," Cathy thought. "It's a bit late to make a schedule."
She shrugged it off, thinking that really, there could be a million reasons someone would make a schedule at the last minute. People did it all the time. She had even seen new students come into a class a few days into the semester. She walked by and continued her mapping without another thought of the girl.
But the girl was to become a pivotal player in Cathy's life. Little did Cathy know that she had just met for the first time the most life changing person that she would ever meet during her college career.
SUNY Brockport was by no means a large campus, however, after attending a high school with a graduating class of less than two hundred, followed by a three building community college, Brockport seemed the size of a small city. In fact, even in her second year there, she had yet to set foot on probably more than half of the campus grounds. Hell, she even still got lost in the places that she had been before.
Because of her lack of knowledge concerning direction, Cathy found it incredibly helpful to show up on campus the day before classes started in order to map out the easiest routes concerning her schedule. There was almost nothing more embarrassing to her than showing up late to class because she had gotten lost.
This is what she was doing when she first noticed the girl. There was nothing about her that should have caught Cathy's eye, but she noticed her nonetheless. Really, nothing on the girl even stood out. She had chocolate brown skin and very short, natural jet black hair. Her skirt was made of denim and fell to her feet, resting on top of her clean, pure white sneakers. The skirt, being so plain and long, eliminated any feminine shape she may have had. Her shirt, unremarkable, was a plain short sleeve tee. Clearly visable were several brown bobby pins holding stray strands of hair away from the girl's face. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason as to why the pins were placed as they did not hold all of her hair back, thus making her hair look even more wild in its natural style.
There was just something so completely normal about the girl that it made her seem abnormal. Cathy decided that that is why she caught her eye. As she headed towards the computer building, she watched the girl sit down on a bench outside the door and begin to unpack her cute pink shoulder bag. Cathy went in to print out her schedule.
****
Later when she came out, Cathy noticed the girl still sitting at the bench. She noticed that the girl was leaning intensely over something on the table in front of her and then vigerously writing in a notebook in her lap. As Cathy walked by she noticed that the object on the table was a class catalog and assumed that the girl was making a semester schedule.
"Strange," Cathy thought. "It's a bit late to make a schedule."
She shrugged it off, thinking that really, there could be a million reasons someone would make a schedule at the last minute. People did it all the time. She had even seen new students come into a class a few days into the semester. She walked by and continued her mapping without another thought of the girl.
But the girl was to become a pivotal player in Cathy's life. Little did Cathy know that she had just met for the first time the most life changing person that she would ever meet during her college career.
My New Project
So sometimes when I get really bored in American Lit I work on my writing. I have been working on an idea for a story for a few weeks now, based on a girl who sits next to me in class. I started writing what I have deemed as "Her Story" about three weeks ago. I wrote it, I liked the character, I did not like to writing or the story. So I left it alone for awhile. Then a new idea began to formulate in my mind. I would use the same character in another story situation. As usual, today was a boring day in class (actually it wasn't too bad, but I just wan not into it), and I began to write her new story, only this time she is not the main character. What I ended up with is a chapter and a half of a story I am quite pleased with so far.
so here is what I am going to do. Periodically I am going to post her story on here, chapter by chapter. It gives me an outlet, and it also makes my writing available to the public. Whether or not it gets read is another question, but it will be here nonetheless. I will copy down what I already have for now, but from then on, each chapter will be written on here on the fly. No proof reading, no editing. When the story ends I will have a copy on here that I will take away with any comments (if there are any) or critiques, and I will consider it for revisions.
This is my first attempt at any story of length and I am very curious to see how it turns out. Any feedback is appreciated if you, dear reader, do read through it. Feel free to leave the comments on here, or contact me personally.
Looking forward to getting started, and keep an eye out for chapter one. It's already written, I just need to get my motivation up to type it out on here!
Peace.
so here is what I am going to do. Periodically I am going to post her story on here, chapter by chapter. It gives me an outlet, and it also makes my writing available to the public. Whether or not it gets read is another question, but it will be here nonetheless. I will copy down what I already have for now, but from then on, each chapter will be written on here on the fly. No proof reading, no editing. When the story ends I will have a copy on here that I will take away with any comments (if there are any) or critiques, and I will consider it for revisions.
This is my first attempt at any story of length and I am very curious to see how it turns out. Any feedback is appreciated if you, dear reader, do read through it. Feel free to leave the comments on here, or contact me personally.
Looking forward to getting started, and keep an eye out for chapter one. It's already written, I just need to get my motivation up to type it out on here!
Peace.
Monday, April 27, 2009
On Mating Rituals and A Bloody Dress
So I went to my first bar in north Carolina. That was probably the most interesting thing that happened to me there, so I figured that that is where I will start with all of what I have to say about the trip. As a side note, something I have noticed about myself...I need to write something right after it happens or else I lose the want to write it anymore. Like I really wanted to write about a whole bunch of things from N.C., but now it's so far away from when they happened or I thought if them that I don't want to anymore.
The rat cage smells. Or maybe it's the glider cage. Yuck. That's the only bad thing about opening windows...it stirs up smells. Plus the dog farted. Come on.
So anyways, the bar. Not to say that the concert was not interesting...I have a whole slew of things to write about that experience, but it was after all a concert. Most of what I observed can be observed through any person's eyes at any concert.
I did not want to go. I mean, I have been in places with bars, but never gone out to the bar...so I was nervous. Plus, it was just me and Francis's sister going. I was leaving the boys, my comfort zone, behind. I kept trying to get out of it, but halfheartedly because Lizzy can be very mean, and well, let's face it, I wanted to impress her. I have this weird thing. I actually don't know if it's weird at all...I think most people, especially women feel this way, but most will not admit it. I like Lizzy, but she is that girl who is very open about her opinions. If she does not like you, you know it. She is comfortable in her skin, in her posistion, in her life. For the msot part anyways. She reeks of self confidence. And I think all women are attracted to that...we all want to be that woman. Therefore we want women like that as friends. Maybe we hope that a little of that confidence will rub off on us? Maybe we just want to use their self confidence to our advantage in social situations. Whatever the reason, I can't explain it, I wanted her to like me. So I knew I had to go. Besides, she had a dress that would fit me perfect.
And boy did it. I looked great. I put the dress on and went out to show the boys. I acted like it was no big deal, but I knew I looked good. That's always the fun thing about being a girl, we get to be coy.
Anyways, when we were gtting ready to leave, I had done my make-up, my hair, and gotten dressed. I looked down and there was a weird spot on the dress. Naturally I freaked...I had no idea what it was, but it wasn't may dress, and I didn't want Lizzy mad at me! Long story short, I got my period, tried to use it to get out of going, but ended up in jeans and a cute top anyways, and we went.
We got to the first place at like ten thirty. We met up with a friend of hers. Apparently they do this every weekend. I can't imagine that. The place was dead. They were playing terrible old music. "She's a Brick House", songs by Prince, rap that I was into in middle school. When we first got there, we got drinks. I didn't know what to order because I don't like beer. I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender was joking about it with me, and I found that I had no idea how to respond. I felt so awkward! The bar scene is totally different from anything I have ever done before. As it is, I feel awkward in new situations and especially social situations, so this was a terrible combination of the two for me. We sat at a table outside for about an hour and a half before we left. It was boring, but I wanted to stay. I could deal with boring. No one talked or approached me, so I was okay with that. The next place we went, Lizzy told me it would be busy. That's when I got nervous.
As soon as we got there we went t the bar. Some weirdo started hitting on me. There was something off about his eyes. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't order anything and we walked away. We stood in one of the farther corners from the dance floor. This place was busy. There were people everywhere, and I was so nervous. I ended up going to a mini bar and getting a jack and coke...which was MUCH stronger than I usually take them, but it was eight dollars so I figured I HAD to drink it. Plus, I just felt the need to have something in my hand. You don't see many people without something in their hands, be it a drink or another person. It's a strange phenomenon about bars and clubs. Plus, I don't dance, so to stand still with nothing in my hands made me look just really strange. Then I started to watch people.
When someone Lizzy or Heather (the friend) was interested in walked by, their body language totally changed. They were not the only ones. The dancing got sexier, eye contact was made. Even just their postures when they stood were different. And I started seeing everyone doing this. It was like some strange mating ritual. But the guys never approached right away. They would make eye contact and then circle the girl that they were watching. Then they would stop and watch, but pretend not to watch. If they felt it was right, or if they were trying to decide if the girl was really into them and then decided yes, they would approach.
Now, I don't know if it's just me, but if I see a guy who is attractive, the best approach they can make to me is just to come up and start talking. But that obviously can't be done in a bar. I always thought pick up lines were a joke, but they seriously happen! From what I experienced though, not in the exact cheesy way we all know about. But seriously, a guy can't come up and say hi. For example, one guy came up and started yelling in our faces about why he DIDN'T want to talk to Heather...by doing this he was really explaining why he did want to talk to her...but the way he did it was so annoying that we did all we could to make him go away. If he had just started talking to her, maybe he would have gotten somewhere.
Another pulled a classic wingman move. He approached all of us alone, then separated me while his two friends came up and started talking to Lizzy and Heather. This was my guy for the night. No matter how many times I got rid of him, he kept coming back. Why? I mean, I understand that most people going to a bar are single looking for someone. Okay cool. But if a person is very obviously not interested, why hang around?
Another phenomenon that struck me was how cheap going to a bar is for a female. I understand the logic...get a girl drunk, and you could end up with her at home. However, men don't actually use this logic. We had a guy buying us drinks all night that we only saw once in awhile. I mean, he would show up, we would get him to buy us drinks, then he would leave. It was so easy! We didn't even have to pretend to be interested. Apparently too, he had been buying girls drinks all night. I wonder if it worked out for him.
All in all I had a really good time, especially once I started drinking and was able to loosen up. But it was all together a very strange experience for me. I couldn't do it every weekend, even fi I were single, that's for damn sure. It's too stressful! Plus, it took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I got home. Drinking makes me sleepy anyhow.
I would have had more to say (and I guess you are lucky I don't, since this is already like ten pages long), but now that it was so long ago...a whole three days, I just don't feel like writing more about it.
My thing is, I need to write something before I tell someone about it. Once I tell someone about something, it gets boring to type it all over again. I get the same feeling about my dream book. If I tell someone about my dream first, I don't want to write it. Weird. I need to stop. I'm tired and my fingers are getting stupid.
Night!
The rat cage smells. Or maybe it's the glider cage. Yuck. That's the only bad thing about opening windows...it stirs up smells. Plus the dog farted. Come on.
So anyways, the bar. Not to say that the concert was not interesting...I have a whole slew of things to write about that experience, but it was after all a concert. Most of what I observed can be observed through any person's eyes at any concert.
I did not want to go. I mean, I have been in places with bars, but never gone out to the bar...so I was nervous. Plus, it was just me and Francis's sister going. I was leaving the boys, my comfort zone, behind. I kept trying to get out of it, but halfheartedly because Lizzy can be very mean, and well, let's face it, I wanted to impress her. I have this weird thing. I actually don't know if it's weird at all...I think most people, especially women feel this way, but most will not admit it. I like Lizzy, but she is that girl who is very open about her opinions. If she does not like you, you know it. She is comfortable in her skin, in her posistion, in her life. For the msot part anyways. She reeks of self confidence. And I think all women are attracted to that...we all want to be that woman. Therefore we want women like that as friends. Maybe we hope that a little of that confidence will rub off on us? Maybe we just want to use their self confidence to our advantage in social situations. Whatever the reason, I can't explain it, I wanted her to like me. So I knew I had to go. Besides, she had a dress that would fit me perfect.
And boy did it. I looked great. I put the dress on and went out to show the boys. I acted like it was no big deal, but I knew I looked good. That's always the fun thing about being a girl, we get to be coy.
Anyways, when we were gtting ready to leave, I had done my make-up, my hair, and gotten dressed. I looked down and there was a weird spot on the dress. Naturally I freaked...I had no idea what it was, but it wasn't may dress, and I didn't want Lizzy mad at me! Long story short, I got my period, tried to use it to get out of going, but ended up in jeans and a cute top anyways, and we went.
We got to the first place at like ten thirty. We met up with a friend of hers. Apparently they do this every weekend. I can't imagine that. The place was dead. They were playing terrible old music. "She's a Brick House", songs by Prince, rap that I was into in middle school. When we first got there, we got drinks. I didn't know what to order because I don't like beer. I ordered a sex on the beach, and the bartender was joking about it with me, and I found that I had no idea how to respond. I felt so awkward! The bar scene is totally different from anything I have ever done before. As it is, I feel awkward in new situations and especially social situations, so this was a terrible combination of the two for me. We sat at a table outside for about an hour and a half before we left. It was boring, but I wanted to stay. I could deal with boring. No one talked or approached me, so I was okay with that. The next place we went, Lizzy told me it would be busy. That's when I got nervous.
As soon as we got there we went t the bar. Some weirdo started hitting on me. There was something off about his eyes. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't order anything and we walked away. We stood in one of the farther corners from the dance floor. This place was busy. There were people everywhere, and I was so nervous. I ended up going to a mini bar and getting a jack and coke...which was MUCH stronger than I usually take them, but it was eight dollars so I figured I HAD to drink it. Plus, I just felt the need to have something in my hand. You don't see many people without something in their hands, be it a drink or another person. It's a strange phenomenon about bars and clubs. Plus, I don't dance, so to stand still with nothing in my hands made me look just really strange. Then I started to watch people.
When someone Lizzy or Heather (the friend) was interested in walked by, their body language totally changed. They were not the only ones. The dancing got sexier, eye contact was made. Even just their postures when they stood were different. And I started seeing everyone doing this. It was like some strange mating ritual. But the guys never approached right away. They would make eye contact and then circle the girl that they were watching. Then they would stop and watch, but pretend not to watch. If they felt it was right, or if they were trying to decide if the girl was really into them and then decided yes, they would approach.
Now, I don't know if it's just me, but if I see a guy who is attractive, the best approach they can make to me is just to come up and start talking. But that obviously can't be done in a bar. I always thought pick up lines were a joke, but they seriously happen! From what I experienced though, not in the exact cheesy way we all know about. But seriously, a guy can't come up and say hi. For example, one guy came up and started yelling in our faces about why he DIDN'T want to talk to Heather...by doing this he was really explaining why he did want to talk to her...but the way he did it was so annoying that we did all we could to make him go away. If he had just started talking to her, maybe he would have gotten somewhere.
Another pulled a classic wingman move. He approached all of us alone, then separated me while his two friends came up and started talking to Lizzy and Heather. This was my guy for the night. No matter how many times I got rid of him, he kept coming back. Why? I mean, I understand that most people going to a bar are single looking for someone. Okay cool. But if a person is very obviously not interested, why hang around?
Another phenomenon that struck me was how cheap going to a bar is for a female. I understand the logic...get a girl drunk, and you could end up with her at home. However, men don't actually use this logic. We had a guy buying us drinks all night that we only saw once in awhile. I mean, he would show up, we would get him to buy us drinks, then he would leave. It was so easy! We didn't even have to pretend to be interested. Apparently too, he had been buying girls drinks all night. I wonder if it worked out for him.
All in all I had a really good time, especially once I started drinking and was able to loosen up. But it was all together a very strange experience for me. I couldn't do it every weekend, even fi I were single, that's for damn sure. It's too stressful! Plus, it took a lot out of me. I was so tired when I got home. Drinking makes me sleepy anyhow.
I would have had more to say (and I guess you are lucky I don't, since this is already like ten pages long), but now that it was so long ago...a whole three days, I just don't feel like writing more about it.
My thing is, I need to write something before I tell someone about it. Once I tell someone about something, it gets boring to type it all over again. I get the same feeling about my dream book. If I tell someone about my dream first, I don't want to write it. Weird. I need to stop. I'm tired and my fingers are getting stupid.
Night!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Too Much To Say...
Yeah so I missed four days like I thought I would. It's 2:29 am and I just now got at least pretty much settled in after our trip to N.C. It was a blast, and all trip long I have been thinking of thins to write about, but right now I just can't. I'm so tired.
I have so much to say that I think I even need to sleep on it to figure out how to lay it out so that it even makes sense. Maybe I will just cut most of it.
I planned on writing more because of my hedgehog went into pre-hibernation (as she does at least twice a week) and I needed to revive her (by sticking her in a heated blanket)...but she just hissed at me, so that's a good sign, and I think she is good now.
I can't believe how slow I am typing this. I need to go. This was a totally useless blog, but I just wanted to drop in an explain my totally unexcused absence. By the way, I just wanted to say that I think that people have no taste. My writing is damn good enough to get into a stupid college magazine. So screw you all you college pricks...on the other hand...I won an award for student teaching, so nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >:(
Night!
I have so much to say that I think I even need to sleep on it to figure out how to lay it out so that it even makes sense. Maybe I will just cut most of it.
I planned on writing more because of my hedgehog went into pre-hibernation (as she does at least twice a week) and I needed to revive her (by sticking her in a heated blanket)...but she just hissed at me, so that's a good sign, and I think she is good now.
I can't believe how slow I am typing this. I need to go. This was a totally useless blog, but I just wanted to drop in an explain my totally unexcused absence. By the way, I just wanted to say that I think that people have no taste. My writing is damn good enough to get into a stupid college magazine. So screw you all you college pricks...on the other hand...I won an award for student teaching, so nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh >:(
Night!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So Sue Me...
Okay, this time I seriously missed a day. Oh well. I was mad at first, but really, this is not an assignment. If I can't do it, I just can't. The problem is, I can. All I did yesterday was go to school and then sit around watching The Office, My Name is Earl, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. But you know what? Screw it, I would have rather have done that.
I actually do have a ton of things to talk about though, that's the thing. It's gotten to the point where I just want to jump on here and write about what I am thinking about, even if it's not important or even interesting. I will sit and think about how to get all of my ideas to tie into each other so my blogs do not get boring. But really, I am doing this for myself, so if you think this is boring dear reader, move on. I do care what you think, and I am glad that you are here visiting with me, but the last thing I want to do is worry about boring people. Also, I try to figure out what is most important so I can write one blog a day on it. But it's my blog! If I want to write more than one a day, I damn well will.
Update on my dream journal...I had a weird one last night, but I don't feel like writing. Especially since I have already told Francis about it in great detail, so I don't want to go back over it again. It really boils down to laziness really.
I got a surprise in the mail last night. I won an award for excellence in student teaching! I am actually quite proud of myself. But it made me feel really bad...It just seems to me that it's unfair that I won this award after I decided not to teach. Not to mention the fact that I already knew I am really good at teaching...I don't care how stuck up that sounds, I am GOOD at it...but this more solidifies that fact, and now I feel worse about quitting.
I hate that word: quitting. I didn't quit...I fulfilled the requirements, finished the program with flying colors...Ah I just don't know. It's thoughts like these that just make me want to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. I feel really crappy about myself when I think like this, because honestly, I'm not really sure what I think about myself. I obviously have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I don't want to be held back by restrictions. What I wonder about myself is: do I draw back and quit something when I am almost done with it because I'm scared? Am I scared of getting everything set for teaching and then having to actually go out into the real world? I think to an extent I am. But I do not doubt my feelings about not wanting to teach. Although...ARG. I don't know. I sound like a pirate.
So really I thought I had a ton of things to say, but now I am so depressed about thinking about teaching I don't even want to write them.
My baby chinchilla passed away the other night, just to update. She had a rough going, seizures for about a half hour until she went. That was tough. I don't want to talk about it.
Another thing I wonder about myself, and I could write for hours on this trying to figure it out (which may actually say a lot about me, considering what I am about it write) is if I am really stuck on myself. I don't feel like I am. But I think in my actions I might be. I don't think I always was though.
I once got into a very big fight with a friend who I will never be close to again, but we at least decided to be civil with each other. When we decided to at least talk, we re-added each other to our myspaces (I know it seems immature, but when I am contemplating cutting someone completely out of my life, I don't want to hop online and see her updates every day). By doing this, her blogs became available to me once more. As I read them, I got very angry. None of them said my name, but they were obviously pointed at me (immature, I would have rather he said these things to me about about me instead of insinuating it was me. By doing this, everyone knew it was me, but because it didn't say my name, other people felt that they were safe to add in their two cents). They described me as a person who did not care about anything unless I was the center of it. A person who does not listen. A person who wants the world to hear her, but does not want to hear the world. And most of all, a person who does not appriciate what others do for me. What made me the most mad was that she was describing everything that during our friendship, I was NOT. As I said, I may be these things now though, and that bothers me. I want to be appriciated. I want people to go out of their way to do ME favors. I want to be the center of someone's affection without be the center of attention. I don't actually like a lot of attention, I just like a lot of affection. Maybe that's my issue. I want more love than anyone can give me, including myself.
This is annoying. Even to me. Last night a guy was hanging out with my fiancee and my friend and me. I don't like this guy. Here's why: when I say something, he will interrupt me to talk to someone else. When I say something funny, he will not acknowledge it, although if someone else said the same thing he would die laughing. He won't look at me or talk to me. It bothers me! It makes me feel invisible. When I put this thought into words though, it makes me feel like someone who needs the world to pay attention to her. Like I feel like I DESERVE it! I am not that person...I just don't like feeling like I am not even in the room. Is that so bad?
I really have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for leaving for vacation. I should go.
I could ramble on for hours. Maybe I will write more than once tonight. More than one a day?! So sue me, it's my blog.
I actually do have a ton of things to talk about though, that's the thing. It's gotten to the point where I just want to jump on here and write about what I am thinking about, even if it's not important or even interesting. I will sit and think about how to get all of my ideas to tie into each other so my blogs do not get boring. But really, I am doing this for myself, so if you think this is boring dear reader, move on. I do care what you think, and I am glad that you are here visiting with me, but the last thing I want to do is worry about boring people. Also, I try to figure out what is most important so I can write one blog a day on it. But it's my blog! If I want to write more than one a day, I damn well will.
Update on my dream journal...I had a weird one last night, but I don't feel like writing. Especially since I have already told Francis about it in great detail, so I don't want to go back over it again. It really boils down to laziness really.
I got a surprise in the mail last night. I won an award for excellence in student teaching! I am actually quite proud of myself. But it made me feel really bad...It just seems to me that it's unfair that I won this award after I decided not to teach. Not to mention the fact that I already knew I am really good at teaching...I don't care how stuck up that sounds, I am GOOD at it...but this more solidifies that fact, and now I feel worse about quitting.
I hate that word: quitting. I didn't quit...I fulfilled the requirements, finished the program with flying colors...Ah I just don't know. It's thoughts like these that just make me want to lay on the couch for the rest of the day. I feel really crappy about myself when I think like this, because honestly, I'm not really sure what I think about myself. I obviously have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I don't want to be held back by restrictions. What I wonder about myself is: do I draw back and quit something when I am almost done with it because I'm scared? Am I scared of getting everything set for teaching and then having to actually go out into the real world? I think to an extent I am. But I do not doubt my feelings about not wanting to teach. Although...ARG. I don't know. I sound like a pirate.
So really I thought I had a ton of things to say, but now I am so depressed about thinking about teaching I don't even want to write them.
My baby chinchilla passed away the other night, just to update. She had a rough going, seizures for about a half hour until she went. That was tough. I don't want to talk about it.
Another thing I wonder about myself, and I could write for hours on this trying to figure it out (which may actually say a lot about me, considering what I am about it write) is if I am really stuck on myself. I don't feel like I am. But I think in my actions I might be. I don't think I always was though.
I once got into a very big fight with a friend who I will never be close to again, but we at least decided to be civil with each other. When we decided to at least talk, we re-added each other to our myspaces (I know it seems immature, but when I am contemplating cutting someone completely out of my life, I don't want to hop online and see her updates every day). By doing this, her blogs became available to me once more. As I read them, I got very angry. None of them said my name, but they were obviously pointed at me (immature, I would have rather he said these things to me about about me instead of insinuating it was me. By doing this, everyone knew it was me, but because it didn't say my name, other people felt that they were safe to add in their two cents). They described me as a person who did not care about anything unless I was the center of it. A person who does not listen. A person who wants the world to hear her, but does not want to hear the world. And most of all, a person who does not appriciate what others do for me. What made me the most mad was that she was describing everything that during our friendship, I was NOT. As I said, I may be these things now though, and that bothers me. I want to be appriciated. I want people to go out of their way to do ME favors. I want to be the center of someone's affection without be the center of attention. I don't actually like a lot of attention, I just like a lot of affection. Maybe that's my issue. I want more love than anyone can give me, including myself.
This is annoying. Even to me. Last night a guy was hanging out with my fiancee and my friend and me. I don't like this guy. Here's why: when I say something, he will interrupt me to talk to someone else. When I say something funny, he will not acknowledge it, although if someone else said the same thing he would die laughing. He won't look at me or talk to me. It bothers me! It makes me feel invisible. When I put this thought into words though, it makes me feel like someone who needs the world to pay attention to her. Like I feel like I DESERVE it! I am not that person...I just don't like feeling like I am not even in the room. Is that so bad?
I really have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for leaving for vacation. I should go.
I could ramble on for hours. Maybe I will write more than once tonight. More than one a day?! So sue me, it's my blog.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Death...
I am typing this one handed...I guess technically missed a day but I don't count it because I have not gone to bed yet. So there. I had a ton to say today but it will have to wait. My baby chinchilla is dying on my chest.
Peace.
Peace.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
So It Begins....
Lucky you, dear reader...you have now officially been invited on my own personal journey to find/create myself. I have begun a long process of trying to figure out who I am. Writing has always been important to me, and I THINK I might want to include it as part of my every day life and part of who I am...but I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of anything. So therefore, this blog is born. I have made a promise to myself and my best friend (who is doing this alongside me with his own blog, but maybe not so strictly) to start trying to write every day. I would image that this is going to fail miserably. I have a tendency to think that everything in my life right now is a failure. I'm not one of those people who is trying to find themselves optimistically. I am not happy with who or what I am right now, so please do not expect this to be a happy go lucky rambling. This is simply a tool to aid me to find out if writing is really something that I could pursue.
Just as with this blog, most of my writing is going to be about, well a whole lot of nothing. Sometimes I just need to get things down on paper. Or on a screen in this case. I have also decided to start my dream journal once again. I have some weird dreams. I mean really weird. I wrote them all down for probably three months. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever done. Then I stopped. For no reason. I think I will start again.
I have made plan after plan for my life, and recently, I dropped all plans. I can't plan. I can plan for short term, in fact, I love to. Give me something I can make a list for, and I will go nuts. Weird, right? I love listing! It's almost a passion. However, if you ask me to write a list poem, I can't do it. Go figure. Eh, I'm working on it.
Back to my point. I recently decided that I can not live by a plan. It makes me very nervous. The very thought of living my life based on anything more than a few years long freaks me out. I had planned to be a teacher...but there are so many restrictions. I cared for awhile what people thought of me quitting that profession because of that reason. I am trying not to care now...I still do a little. So I decided to fix that! I would become a professor...less restrictions on certain things right? Yeahhhh....I just can't imagine myself doing that for the next thirty years. I can't picture myself doing ANYTHING for 30 years. I don't want to be held back by a career.
So this writing will be my journey. Ideally I would like this blog to be a mixture of long posts, meaningful insights, pointless rambles, short one sentence fulfillments, poems, stories, ideas...I want it to be a creation of me.
So wish me luck, take a journey with me, and off we go...
Just as with this blog, most of my writing is going to be about, well a whole lot of nothing. Sometimes I just need to get things down on paper. Or on a screen in this case. I have also decided to start my dream journal once again. I have some weird dreams. I mean really weird. I wrote them all down for probably three months. It was one of the most interesting things I have ever done. Then I stopped. For no reason. I think I will start again.
I have made plan after plan for my life, and recently, I dropped all plans. I can't plan. I can plan for short term, in fact, I love to. Give me something I can make a list for, and I will go nuts. Weird, right? I love listing! It's almost a passion. However, if you ask me to write a list poem, I can't do it. Go figure. Eh, I'm working on it.
Back to my point. I recently decided that I can not live by a plan. It makes me very nervous. The very thought of living my life based on anything more than a few years long freaks me out. I had planned to be a teacher...but there are so many restrictions. I cared for awhile what people thought of me quitting that profession because of that reason. I am trying not to care now...I still do a little. So I decided to fix that! I would become a professor...less restrictions on certain things right? Yeahhhh....I just can't imagine myself doing that for the next thirty years. I can't picture myself doing ANYTHING for 30 years. I don't want to be held back by a career.
So this writing will be my journey. Ideally I would like this blog to be a mixture of long posts, meaningful insights, pointless rambles, short one sentence fulfillments, poems, stories, ideas...I want it to be a creation of me.
So wish me luck, take a journey with me, and off we go...
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